12 year old won't do homework

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Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

RE: “I have a 16 year old who is failing school and has absolutely no motivation.”

In this article, we will be discussing an important issue that many parents face - when their teenager is failing at school and has no motiv...

A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

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January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

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February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!

Do you have a homeschooler who  refuses  to do their work?

Are your school days laced with frustration, pleading, anger, and tantrums – from both parent and child?

Is your kid slipping further and further beneath their potential because of their stubbornness?

Are you at your wit’s end?

Let me tell you, you are not alone!

I have had my own struggles with my 3 girls, and I have received emails from some pretty broken, frustrated homeschool moms too. 

I have written a couple of posts on how to motivate a homeschooler and whether bribing is every appropriate in homeschooling ….but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed the issue of what to do with a supremely stubborn child.

The homeschooler who won’t do school work no matter what “reward” is waiting for them. 

If you are in a daily battle of the wills with your homeschooler, you are in the right place. 

Get some coffee, and I’m going to show you how you can and will regain control of your homeschool and raise a child who loves learning! 

How to Deal With A Homeschool Kid Who Refuses To Do Any Work

1. Really Stop and Think. Dig Deep.

I don’t believe there is a “ one size fits all ” reason for why a kid continually and stubbornly refuses their homeschool work.

For that reason, you really need to sit down and think about what is truly causing the friction you are experiencing every day.

If you identify and correct these issues, it could make a world of difference in your homeschool!

To get your mind rolling, think through each of the below points and see if they apply to your homeschooler:

– Are you an angry homeschool mom?

No judgment over here. I have been there!

How would you feel if a teacher in a classroom treated your child the way that you do?

If you felt a pang of conviction there, please read my post on How to Stop Being an Angry Homeschool Mom . 

It gives practical tips that I have learned over the year to stop being impatient and angry with the 3 kids I love the most in the world. 

– Is the curriculum you’re using appropriate?

I am not one to say that you should run out and buy new curriculum every time your kid gets grumpy about school. But if your child is continually fighting you day after day, it may be worth it to try a different curriculum. 

I had one kid that went from slugging through math every day with a sour face to exclaiming, “Thank you, mommy! Thank you, mommy, for being this curriculum! I’m good at math!” 

All I did was switch out the curriculum and it made a shocking change in my child and our homeschool.

If you think this is the boat you’re in, read When to Switch Up the Curriculum .

– Is your child frustrated with new material?

Many kids fly through the early years of school and everything just clicks for them. People always remark about how smart they are.

Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

Inevitably though, these kids will hit material that is a challenge for them – it doesn’t come easily.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Instead of facing the challenge head-on, your homeschooler refuses to do it at all, so they won’t be seen as a failure. 

“Everyone says I’m smart. I don’t get this stuff though! Am I not smart anymore??”

I have had more than one kid like this. 

Here is how I handle it:

Pull the kid up into your lap, look them in the eye, and say with soft eyes, “We have a long stretch of years ahead of us where I will be teaching you. There will be lots of new material like this. You don’t know everything. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? I had to work really hard to learn {fill in the blank}. It was tough for me! I know this material is a challenge for you and you don’t like that, but let me tell you the truth about really smart people – they work hard . Smart people dig in and keep going even when it’s tough. Smart people don’t quit. You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.”

From this point on, praise your child for how hard they work, not for how smart they are.  

– Is your child under social stress? Dealing with depression?

Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling. 

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter ! 

Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends?

What can you do to meet those very real needs?

Check out my post – The Secret Strategy for Helping your Homeschooler Make Friends – to help your kid out.

More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school.

If you think this could be an issue, there would be no harm in a doctor’s visit or seeing a counselor to help your child address the issue. 

– Are you pushing too hard?

This was 100% me in my first year of homeschooling. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader. 

I would tell her that she didn’t really need those manipulatives to do her math problem – couldn’t she just remember the answer?

The truth was, I was asking her to do things that were beyond her grade and development level – no wonder she wasn’t loving school!

I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her. 

Are your expectations too high?

Are your school days way too long?

Do you push your kid because you want to validate yourself and your decision to homeschool?

– Are you having fun?

School, especially homeschool, should be fun. If you’re not having fun, why is that?

What can you change about your homeschool to make it more engaging and interesting for your kid?

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on – check out that homeschool hack here .

Maybe you need a new read-aloud book. 

Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P.E.

Find exciting Youtube videos that match up with your lesson. 

Be flexible, and incorporate the things your child is interested in into your lessons.

I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time.

She was so excited for school to start every morning!

Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool. If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on.

2. Lift Your Kid’s Eyes to the Future

Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system.  Sit down with them and talk about their future (not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way). 

What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college?

My oldest daughter (7 or 8 years old at the time) flat out refused to do math at one point. I took the time to gently show her that just about any job (and many basic life skills) requires an understanding of math. This is true of all core curriculum too!

We went online and looked up some good colleges that had programs she was interested in. We watched videos for prospective students and even looked at some of the college housing pages.

It all looked really cool and my daughter was very interested!

I told her that there is an end goal to school. There is a reason for what we do day in and day out – and that is to open every possible door for her. I want her to have her pick of colleges when the time comes. I want her to be prepared and to excel .

I want her to soar when she leaves my house and be anything she wants to be. 

But for that to happen, she has to apply herself in school. Kids that don’t do well in school, don’t have as many options and opportunities as kids who did apply themselves.

No matter the age your kid is, it doesn’t hurt to lovingly lift their child’s eyes to look at the long-term goal.

Make sure they know that all your efforts come from a desire to see them succeed in life!

3.  Introduce a Bookend Reward System

After discussing the future and the importance of school with your resistant homeschooler, introduce a Bookend Reward System.

That means that when they finish school in a reasonable amount of time, with a good attitude  – there will be a reward.

Now this reward must be something that you don’t mind giving out and they really want . It could be increased screentime, a sticker chart that helps them earn something bigger, a later bedtime, special treat, etc.

If your child fails to meet that standard (due to a bad attitude, not because they were actually struggling with the material) there will be a consequence.

The consequence should be something they really don’t want and you don’t mind doing. It could be a loss of screen time, taking away a favorite toy, putting their tablet in timeout for 24 hours, etc.

If you’re not sure what your consequence should be, think about the thing your kid would always rather do than schoolwork. Then take that thing away as the consequence. 

It’s important to communicate this “bookend” system with great love and concern . You are not angry – you love your homeschooler and you want to help motivate them to reach their true potential.

Every day they have a chance to either earn something positive…or experience an immediate negative consequence.

You are no longer in a daily power struggle over schoolwork.

They pick every day what they want to experience.

They are in the driver’s seat. 

4. Consistency is the Name of the Game

It is one thing to introduce the Bookend Reward system to your homeschooler who resues to do their work…and it is any entirely different thing to actually follow through with it. 

This system will absolutely fail  if you do not convince your child that you are serious. 

You must always follow through with what you said you would do.

Whenever you have to administer consequences, be firm, but kind .

Tell them you are so sorry they made this choice and you were really hoping they would choose differently.

Do not give second chances . That sounds harsh, but they need to learn what the standard is – and that is school completed on time with a good attitude.

There is no room for tantrums, ugly words, or refusing to be work. You will no longer beg them to do their work.  

When they choose the positive path – go nuts! Celebrate them to the point that they roll their eyes and say you’re embarrassing them!

Delight in the reward they receive and make a big deal about it at the dinner table. 

*****If you think your kid really struggles with connecting their actions to how the day plays out, I highly recommend getting the book “ What Should Danny Do? ” and “ What Should Darla Do? ”

These are fantastic “choose your own adventure” books that allow your kid to actually choose what decisions Danny and Darla make throughout the day. They get to see how the day changes based on the decisions they make!

My own kids have benefited so much from these books and now respect their own “Power to Choose.”

But What if This Doesn’t Work and My Homeschool Still Won’t Do Their Work?

If you find that your kid still doesn’t care about the reward you’re offering and the consequence for not meeting the standard…I would tell you revisit the questions in the first point of this post and rethink what the reward and consequence are.

Whatever you have picked is not getting the job done.

Do not be afraid to sit down and ask your child what would motivate them. You might be surprised what they will tell you their consequence should be! 

Find the right pressure points and stay consistent with a loving and firm hand. 

How to Prevent Raising a Homeschooler Who Won’t Do Schoolwork

Did you read this article out of fear, not because you are actually experiencing a homeschool kid who refuses schoolwork?

Do you want to be prepared for what the future might hold?

If this is you, then I want to give you some points to avoid getting in the situations this article talks about. 

Your homeschooler may love school right now. They may relish every read-aloud book, worksheet, and project…but that attitude will likely not last. 

Mountains and valleys are extremely normal in education.

You just need to be ready.

I would strongly recommend following these steps to prevent raising a homeschooler who won’t do school work:

1. Make “fun” a central value of your homeschool. Don’t skip the cool things because you think you don’t have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they’ll be learning tomorrow!

2. use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don’t “need” one right now. it will help on days that your kid is a little sluggish – don’t we all have those days, 3. when and if your kid gives you an inappropriate attitude about school work, nip it in the bud quickly. make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. do not yell or get angry, just state that your job is to teach – not to beg them to do school. i have even sent my kids to their rooms and told them they have lost the privilege of doing school – which also means they lost their reward for the day., recap when your homeschooler refuses to do homeschool work.

You can absolutely change the path your homeschool is on – I have no doubt. 

Remember to address those initial questions about your homeschool with brutal honesty, talk to your kid about what their future holds, introduce the Bookend Rewards System , and follow through with it! 

You can do this!

And your children will be so blessed by your efforts, Homeschool Mama.

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What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to School

Why you shouldn't give in..

Updated July 10, 2023 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods

• What Is Anxiety?
• Find a therapist to overcome anxiety
• Social-emotional challenges are normal for school children.
• School refusal can be a symptom of a diagnosable issue like anxiety.
• Avoiding school does not diminish a child's anxiety and may actually worsen it.
• Parents and schools can work together to teach children how to manage their feelings.

It’s always difficult to hear your children yelling or sobbing that they don’t want to go to school. You may be even more sensitive to their reluctance and anxiety because of what an unpredictable place school has felt like for the past two years. So, what do you do when you have scrambled to get all your kids’ school supplies and clothes ready for school only to find that you now must coax them to get there? How do you coach 50 pounds or more of pure resistance to leave the house?

It often seems easiest to pick the path of least resistance. If they tell you they have a sore throat, you may wonder if they really are coming down with something and rationalize keeping them home—especially since sending even slightly sick children to school is frowned upon these days. But there are negative consequences to giving in to your children’s requests to stay home. First, their anxiety about going to school is not likely to diminish and may actually get worse. This is because staying home with you, especially for young children, is comforting and highly valued. Many kids don’t get a lot of one-on-one time with their parents, whether due to their own activities or their parents’ busy schedules. As a result, staying home from school will be very rewarding for your children because they see it as special Mommy or Daddy time they wouldn’t normally get on a school day. After a taste of that, what do you think they are going to choose in the future: going back to school or being with you?

While your children may feel better at home than at school, the social cost of their avoiding school is a clear disadvantage. Many educators and school psychologists like me have seen children struggle with socioemotional challenges like turn-taking, not getting their way, a chilling word from someone, social comparison when a classmate can read a passage more quickly, or a teacher with an unfamiliar teaching style. All these normal situations are moments for learning and growth, but they can’t happen if your child isn’t at school. Practice makes perfect, and when your children have significantly less time to practice, their skills are less well-developed.

A parent whom I have known for years recently told me that even though it was hard for her at the time, she is glad now that her daughter had some difficult stretches in elementary and middle school because without them, she would be too fragile at college without her parents to help her navigate tricky but common situations. Many children have missed out on social practice in the past couple of years due to fewer in-person interactions, and what practice they have had has often been with social distancing or masked peers. Both of these safety modifications altered interactions that kids previously experienced, changing their ability to learn from facial cues and physical contact.

School refusal can be a symptom of diagnosable issues, like anxiety. Many children who display school refusal are also anxious and have either separation anxiety, social anxiety , or generalized anxiety. Separation anxiety is more common in younger children who worry about leaving their parent or caregiver . Social anxiety or performance anxiety tends to occur in older children who worry about how their peers will judge them. And generalized anxiety disorder occurs when people worry about multiple situations, which for children, often includes their performance in the classroom.

One thing we have learned about anxiety is that avoiding situations that make us anxious only makes our anxiety stronger. It doesn’t teach us that we can tolerate unpleasant feelings or that what we fear most will probably not happen. However, people can learn to alter unpleasant feelings in situations that make them anxious by using self-talk , breathing exercises, and distraction to get a handle on their anxiety.

So, what can you do as a parent? First, reach out to your pediatrician if your children are sharing physical complaints. You want to rule out any medical reason for their symptoms. This is not to say that anxiety doesn’t sometimes manifest itself in physical symptoms, but you want to make sure you don’t overlook a medical issue by assuming the physical complaints are due to anxiety. Next, connect with the school so that teachers and administrators know what’s going on and so you can partner with them to develop a plan that will be successful for your children.

A cognitive behavioral plan is commonly employed. This strategy focuses primarily on your children’s cognitions (thoughts and worries) and behavior (the avoidance). It teaches children that their anxiety is a warning signal to them, and that they can learn to tamp down the intensity of their body’s warning signals. They are given techniques to practice that help them manage the intensity of these physical symptoms and begin to realize that they can tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. They are also taught how to challenge the thoughts they may be having that increase their anxiety and that are often inaccurate assessments and exaggerations of the truth.

For more in-depth guidance there are some excellent programs and books. A research-based online program called Coping Cats was developed by Phillip Kendall and Muniya Khanna and has been proven highly effective, and its price is lower than that of most single therapy sessions. There are both a child and a parent component, and you purchase access to the program for different lengths of time. There is also an excellent book written by Tamar Chansky, Freeing Your Child from Anxiety . Strategies recommended by both sets of clinicians target coping, teach how to challenge negative self-talk, and encourage positive self-talk that reflects upon past experiences of success. Parent training, goal setting, and rewarding the child for effort and goal attainment are also often part of a plan.

With younger kids, your approach can be less gradual, in part because theirs is more likely a general anxiety about separation that can likely be addressed with a few days of school success. For the older child, for whom it may be more likely that a particular trauma or event is at the root of the avoidance, gradual re-entry may be the best strategy. The plan may be for the student to be present for shortened days or with lower work demands or with additional academic support if the anxiety is connected to or associated with performance anxiety. The bottom line is that even if it seems easier in the short term to let your child stay home from school, the long-term effects of reinforcing their avoidance can have a lasting negative impact on their social and emotional development as well as on their academic achievement.

Pamela D. Brown, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified school psychologist, and licensed professional counselor with over 20 years of professional experience.

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What to Do When Your Teen is Failing School and Doesn’t Care

A report card full of D’s and F’s can be upsetting for a parent to see. It’s especially frustrating if it seems like your teen just doesn’t care.

 But what do you do? 

You can’t force your kid to put their best effort into their schoolwork, and trying to do so may damage your relationship.

On the other hand, teens can’t always grasp how important their high school grades are and what effect they may have on their futures. Parents should do their best to set their kids up for success and rule out any barriers that may be the root cause of their child’s poor school performance.

Related: A+ Parenting: 9 Tips to Boost Bad Grades

Ahead, we outline the actions that you can take if your teenager is failing school because of a seeming lack of motivation .

Ask an Expert: What Do I Do if My Kid Doesn't Care About School or Grades?

Connie Collins , a professional school counselor with over 35 years working in education as both a teacher and school counselor, weighs in on how concerned parents should respond to kids or teens who don’t put any effort into school or try to get good grades

  Q: My son is in seventh grade and is failing most classes. He has the ability to get As and Bs without much effort, but he doesn't care and either hurries through his homework or just doesn't do it at all.   I've tried punishing him, taking things away, talking with him, and meeting with teachers and counselors , but nothing seems to work. Any ideas on how to get him to care about school and his grades?   A: You say you have talked with his teachers and counselors. Did those meetings result in a plan? Was your son involved in that plan? If the answers are no, I would suggest going back to the school and doing just that. Is there a set time and place free of TV, computer, stereo, etc. for him to do this homework? Does he have to use that time reading if he says he doesn't have homework?  Do you or your partner spend some study time with him talking about his work and checking it over?  Where does the homework go when finished – in his folder, in his backpack, near the door?  Many bright seventh-graders have no idea how to organize or how to study. Does he need some help in this area? You speak of punishment and rewards , but not of consequences. Are they logical and immediate?  What happens if he fails seventh grade? Have you decided as a family and made clear to him that he will be spending summer going to summer school – not on vacation or being with his friends?  That might help put things into perspective and show him that doing well in school impacts other parts of his life. 

Set Your Teen up For Success in School

Teenagers aren’t full-fledged adults yet, and they are still developing their executive function skills. Setting up a schedule and a quiet environment for them to study in can go a long way in helping them succeed. 

Often a bit of external structure can help your child get a good grade. The resulting feeling may help them develop intrinsic motivation.

• Choose a table in a room free from distractions. If possible, the table should be completely clear of anything but your kid’s work.
• Make a schedule. When is your teen going to work? Should they come home and study first thing after school before they have free time, or will it work better for them to have a snack and some downtime to socialize first? The answer to this will depend on your child. Involve them in this decision.
• Buy a planner. If your teenager doesn’t already have a planner, have them pick one out. Show them how to list out homework and study tasks with a box next to each that they can check off once complete.

Identify the Obstacles

Often what looks like laziness is truly overwhelming. Don’t assume that your child just doesn’t care. When missing assignments snowball, kids can start to feel like they’ll never catch up. Try to figure out what is stopping them from completing their work.

Sit down and have a conversation with your teen, without judgment. Make it very clear that you are not upset and that they are not in trouble.

 The goal is to get them to open up to you so that the two of you can get to the bottom of what’s causing their bad grades.

Common obstacles include:

• Volume of reading is too high or the material is too complex
• Foundational math or science skills weren’t mastered so now the more advanced classes aren’t accessible to your child
• Difficulty balancing academics and sports or other activities
• Not enough time to do all the work (might need to prioritize)
• A condition such as ADHD or a learning disability that makes school more challenging 
• Mental health needs to be addressed — maybe bullying or another issue is impacting your teen’s self-esteem and needs to be taken care of with professional help before your child can focus properly on academics

Consider Accommodations

“Not caring” can be a coping mechanism for kids who have given up because they have lost their confidence. It’s possible for learning disabilities to show up at an older age, even if they didn’t seem obvious during the elementary years.

Talk to your school counselor about your concerns and they will help you decide whether you want to assess your child. If you do, make sure that your child understands that you don’t think there is anything wrong with them, but you want to learn more about how you and the school can help them. 

You might also let them decide whether they want to be assessed.

Possible learning disabilities include:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder : affects the ability to focus and executive functioning
• Dyscalculia : difficulty with math and logical thinking
• Dysgraphia : problems with handwriting and spelling
• Dyslexia : affects reading and language processing

Emotional trauma or mental health issues may also be a barrier to your teen’s motivation and academic success. 

You should also consider whether they might need therapy or antidepressants to help get them through a difficult time and to support their school achievement.

Use Natural Consequences

Experience is often the best teacher. Try to let your child suffer the natural consequences of failing whenever possible. It can be tempting to swoop in and save our kids at the last minute, but it’s better for them to learn the consequences of their actions while they are young.

 It’s better to be stuck in summer school because you didn’t do your work than to be fired from a job at an older age in “real life.”

That being said, natural consequences are not always the safe choice. You don’t want to let your child fail without giving them the support they need. Use your judgment when using natural consequences with teens, and regardless, make sure they know that you are always there for them and that you love them unconditionally.

These strategies are less effective with teens, who are becoming more independent (a good thing!). If it becomes a power struggle, it’s not likely to help motivate your teen to care.

If you say, “You can’t play video games until you have done your homework,” you’re likely to end up with a teen who doesn’t do either and doesn’t care. But if your kid wants to avoid having to repeat a school year of high school, they may decide to do their work on their own.

Set Goals Together

Try sitting down with your teen and coming up with some goals together. Remember, these are your kid’s goals, not yours. 

You’ll never be able to force them to get on board with your goals. And you shouldn’t have to. A 14-year-old or 15-year-old kid should be coming up with their own plans for their future.

Start by looking at the long term. What do they want to achieve when they grow up? What options do they want available to them? That’s completely up to them. The next step is to set short-term goals that work towards their long-term goal. his is where you come in. 

 Your job is to help them see what stepping stones there are along the road to their aspirations. And that might not mean that they need to be a straight-A student or that they need to attend a university instead of a community college . There are many ways for teens to succeed that don’t revolve around their grades. 

Remember though — the short-term goals need to align with what your kids want to achieve. Pushing your own narrative won’t get them to care. But supporting their dreams likely will.

Steps for Setting Academic Goals: 

• Have your teen come up with one to three long-term goals for their future — where do they want to be in 5 or 10 years? 
• Help them come up with short-term goals that lead directly to their long-term goal. For example: focusing on studying for biology class now will help them if they want to become a veterinarian after college 
• Figure out what support they need to meet their short-term goals and help them get that support.
• Write out a plan with actionable steps that your teen can check off. We recommend our High School Homework Checklist for Parents . 

Check Your Relationship with Your Teen

It’s normal if your relationship with your teen seems to be a bit strained. Teenagers are gaining independence and trying to fit in with their peer’s values . This is all healthy and expected.

That being said, the teenage years are also one of the most important times to nurture your relationship. You want your teen to be able to trust that they can come to you for anything.

Falling grades or apathy about school may be a sign that your teen needs you more than ever. Consider how much quality family time you are spending. 

With parents’ and teens’ jam-packed schedules, it’s easy to lose track of that family dinner or find time just to sit and talk. 

Even if it’s just in the car on the way to practice, try to carve out some time for you and your teen to be together and enjoy each other’s company.

If your child’s grades are slipping or they seem to have lowered motivation, building a better relationship with you – their parent – can help. 

Parental support builds trust so that they feel comfortable telling you about what might be wrong or what they might be struggling with. It also helps to elevate your child’s mood and self-esteem which may have a positive effect on motivation.

Most important of all, ensure that your child knows that you will always love them, no matter their grades.

About Elisa

clock This article was published more than  3 years ago

My bright teen is skipping homework and failing classes, and I don’t know what to do

Q: My 15-year-old son, a high school sophomore, has stopped doing his homework when he doesn't like the subject or the teacher, or when he thinks it's stupid, and he's now failing two classes. He has also lied to me about it; he got away with the lies until the school sent notices, so he has all but destroyed my trust in him. This has been going on since grammar school, but it's getting worse as he gets older. I've tried everything I can think of: therapy, taking away the Xbox, using the Xbox or other things as rewards he can earn, letting him handle it on his own, partial involvement, hovering, crying and screaming — and I feel awful about those last two. I'm trying to take your advice to be careful not to damage our relationship over things, but I don't know what else to do. Failing major subjects in high school seems like a problem. Am I wrong to be so concerned? He won't work with a tutor anymore, either. He's a smart kid, so it's not a lack of ability. Please help.

A: I am going to be honest with you: I relate to your son. I started to check out of school around sixth grade and stayed checked out well through high school. I was bright but had stopped caring about most of my classes, and nothing changed my mind. Paid for good grades? Nope. Punishments? Nah. Rewards? Didn’t care. Threats? Didn’t matter. I was only affected by a handful of people, and otherwise, I couldn’t be reached. And this wasn’t even in a pandemic; this was just the ’90s.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

As I see it, your son is a puzzle (as we all are), and we have a couple of the puzzle pieces in front of us. He is bright (a word that doesn’t carry much meaning), he doesn’t do his homework when he is disinterested in the subject and/or teacher, he lies about it, this behavior has been happening since grammar school, every manner of behavior modification has been attempted (and failed), you have tried therapy, and he refuses a tutor. There are many other things I don’t know about your son, including his health, any transitions or traumas for him or the family, possible learning disabilities or differences (yes, you can be bright and have a whole host of learning issues that prohibit learning in a “typical” way) and family structure. I could go on and on!

The big question is why. Why did your son begin to disconnect from school?

Although I can do little to help you in this note, I do want to keep guiding you to the “why” instead of the “what.” Of course we don’t want your son failing courses — no one wants that for their children — but our parenting goal is not getting him to pass classes. It is to understand him, so he can understand and help himself. At 15, he is well on his way to becoming a young man, and whatever is causing his disconnect from school is what needs your attention.

As you discover the “why,” you need to understand why rewards and punishments don’t seem to work with some children, especially when it comes to schoolwork. There is a time and place for typical behavioral techniques. Take something away that children love, they stop the unwanted behavior. Give them something they love, they repeat wanted behavior. Fine. But this only really works when children already care about school, their teachers and, yes, maybe the work. Caring about your integrity, what you produce and how your teacher feels about you is the primary driver of working hard, not rewards or punishments. If you have a teen who is accustomed to not caring about what his teachers or you think, then he is immune to your punishments and rewards. “Not caring” runs both ways; you don’t feel the “bad stuff,” and you also don’t feel the “good stuff.” As a person who didn’t care about a lot of things for a long time, I can say that it is a horrible way to live. I was wretched to parent and educate.

Let’s pause all the behavior-modification shenanigans. Let’s pause the fear of all this failing and what it means for his future. Let’s pause shoving him into therapy or tutoring. Let’s. Just. Stop. Repeat after me: “My son is not a project. He is a fully human young man, and he needs my support and love.” Repeat this over and over and over, then start getting curious. Invite him to eat with you, go on a hike with you, learn a video game with you, anything, and try to get to know him without an agenda. Every single class he is failing can be made up. Every single thing he hasn’t learned can eventually be learned, and I want you to tell him that. I also want you to highlight and discuss what he does well. He is passing classes! He is (maybe) doing chores! These failed classes are not the sum of his person, so stop treating them as if they are.

10 ways to take the struggle out of homework

I also want you to tell him that it’s typical to not want to do well for people to whom we don’t feel connected. My spidey sense is that something (or things) happened in grammar school that caused him to armor up, and the armor has grown thicker. And of course he’s lying to you. When people feel ashamed of their actions (not doing homework and failing), they lie, then they get in trouble for the lie (adding on more shame), which adds to more lying. Let’s just assume he isn’t going to do the homework for some of these classes. We can take out the extra shame layer.

I can hear you having a panic attack, and I know I have not told you what to do to fix this situation, but it is not going to get fixed. Your son is not broken; he just needs support. Please call your pediatrician for a good work-up, and peek around at possible learning issues. (Giftedness is on the table, too.) Please personally reach out to a teacher whom your son loves and respects, and ask for support. What got me through high school? A choir teacher, an AP English teacher, my Mom Mom, my aunt, and the fact that my parents didn’t give up and send me out of the house. That’s it. Find someone your son cares about, and have them start talking, hanging out, checking in, etc. As a former teacher, I did this and was never burdened by it; it is called community, and we all need it.

The most encouraging part about your note is that you know this is a relationship-first issue. Keep that as your North Star, and as your son begins to thaw, you can add other strategies, such as rewards and punishments. Check out Cara Natterson’s “ Decoding Boys ” and think about seeing your own parent coach or therapist. You are doing hard parenting work, and you need a safe place for your fears and big emotions.

More from Lifestyle :

What to do when you feel your teen starting to slip away

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What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Distance learning not working? Here are strategies to try.

What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

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38 comments.

I’m 15 and one problem I have with school is just the way it prevents me from living life. I have so many plans but all of them have to wait so long to accomplish. It just feels like school is holding me back and having to go through it is pointless until I get to the degrees I actually want. I want to get a degree in business and marketing and become an entrepreneur but to do so I’ll have to go through lots of school that, while it may be useful in some way, doesn’t feel useful at all right now. I could just drop out of course since you don’t need a degree to become an entrepreneur, but I want the business knowledge to help me succeed. Not to mention the fact that becoming a dropout can have bad effects on your social life and the way people think of you. I could start it while in school, but finding the time to do that with all the schooling, homework, and extracurricular activities I have would be a nightmare. It causes lots of internal conflict and drains all motivation to do school.

Im in the same boat for the 2nd year in a row. We did counseling, intervention school program for 6months straight, tutoring and he still fail math and science. Everyone says he’s lazy and has no deficiencies. This year he’s still failing science english and math. Only had an A in PE. He goes to school everyday and nothing is working. At what point do I say oh well you don’t care so I won’t either. There’s only 5 1/2 years left until he’s 18 and I feel time is running out.

I have a grandson in same situation. The best I can see is a junior carpenter course or business course.

My 17 year old son is unmotivated, is not doing his homework and as a consequence he is failing his classes, most of the time he don’t want to go to the school. he is taking 5 AP classes as his own decision but is not doing the work that those classes required and refused to drop them. I don’t know what to do, he wants to get a job and i am supporting him in apply, but i want him to finish school but he is not doing anything. I spoke with the school counselor and we are considering drop some of his classes but i don’t want my son feels more depressed if we do it. I trying to be patient and talk to him but he is not motivated about school at all. Please help

I can say “ditto” to almost everything you’ve mentioned. We have a 17 year old son. He’s also taking AP courses but has refused to do any hw since about October and is failing several classes badly. The last 1.5 years have been out of character in that he normally worked hard and wouldn’t quit on things – over time we’ve seen him slowly quit on one thing after another (and not just in academics). Now it’s piling up.

When his parents ask, a counselor asks, the pastor asks, or his teachers ask “why aren’t you doing hw?” the answer is always “i don’t know…” and then some circular reasoning about things that aren’t really relevant. He does very well on almost all the exams but it’s not enough in highschool if you don’t do any HW (or sometimes fail to turn in quizzes).

It’s quite sad, he has no happiness in anything or desire for anything except to watch youtubers talking about random inconsequential things. If we take away the computer he sits in a dark room with lights off telling us he can waste time in other ways besides watching youtube if needed. When we ask serious questions respectfully he tears up but then quickly puts on a blank face.

We’ve met with professional counselors but so far haven’t identified the root issue. He’s not clinically depressed. Like you we don’t want to demoralize him further by pulling him out of the things he’s doing in school but soon we may have a highly gifted kid who fails a year of highschool and next year will probably not be any better at this rate.

My brother is the same way! very bright kid, but refuses to do any homework. Would rather play games and watch videos. He is also becoming quite rude to his teachers, we haven’t figure out the root issue. At this point, we are just letting him fail, maybe he needs to learn the hard way..

Our son is just like yours; has always been considered exceptional, showing great potential, but now completely uncaring about anything and unmotivated to do any schoolwork. Since online learning became mandatory he will log into his classes then do other things. As a result he’s failing 3 classes and barely passing 2 others. This started the second part of his junior year and has continued this year. It’s gone from thinking about what college to try for to blowing off the SAT test, failing classes and now possibly not graduating High School. (This from a kid who took the PSAT’s in 10th grade and scored 1360 without studying). We understand that there may be some underlying issue and reason for his lack of motivation so we approach it in a caring way (most days). He’s not defiant, just completely unmotivated. I think back to the day years ago when the schools all announced they would be switching entirely to computer learning. That essentially means without internet kids cannot due schoolwork. How do you discipline or have structure with school work when kids have all these temptations and distractions right in front of them to click on? If book learning was still in place simply turning off the internet and allowing it for certain times as a reward would be ideal. Instead we have a nation of distracted, unfocused, addicted to electronics young people. We took a step back from expectations and now are focused more on his emotional and physical well being. Just getting him to graduate is the aim, then maybe encouraging him to get a job after graduating. If there was a life course for kids who need a sense of direction in a supportive, encouraging way I would like to know about it.

I get it. I am in the same position as your son right now. I am in my sophomore year of high school and I can’t really explain it but when second semester started, I was so unmotivated to do anything. Of course, I’ve never been inspired or motivated for school, but I’ve never been a bad student either. Well, at least not until I started completely ignoring my work and letting it pile up so bad that I have begun to lose all hope. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve completely lost all motivation and initiative to do my work. Since this quarantine, everything has gotten worse. I have all F’s except for in art class. In art, I believe I still have a B or at least a C. However, I don’t check anymore because I am scared to look at my grades as it reminds me of my constant failure. Of course, I take full responsibility for my wrongful actions. I know what I’m doing right now is not going to get me anywhere but held back in my academics, but for some reason I keep diving head first into this endless black hole of failure and despondency. It started out as procrastination. I’ve never had any enthusiasm about school work and have always been a procrastinator, even in middle school, but since going into high school…it’s gotten MUCH worse. I find myself day-dreaming and fantasizing about this “perfect” productive life and thinking a lot about the future while not taking recognition of the fact that I am so far behind, I may not have a future. Basically, I have a very active imagination and can sometimes channel this habit of mine to idealize my life and future- it’s almost like I’m living in this made up world of assurance and protection for myself where everything is going to work out the way I want it to unlike in reality. I have always been a very sensitive and easily downed child, so when I entered into high school pessimistic thoughts would flood my mind over and over again (more than usual). I don’t claim to have a problem (mentally) nor have I ever been diagnosed with anything (although I’ve never been checked for anything since I don’t normally express my stress and depression to people- not even family, not that they’d take much notice anyway). I also have no solution to this reoccurring problem of mine yet. However, the one thing I’d recommend you do is let your son get a job. As ridiculous as it sounds to let him get a job when he can’t even focus on school (which I do agree that education is more important than a job, in some cases), I think a job might make him less obstinate or noncompliant, as well as teach him some responsibility. It can also help if he is going through something right now like early senioritis/senioritis and/or slight or mild depression and stress. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but when I think about getting a job I think about being able to provide for myself and getting myself better things and the proper stuff I need to stay motivated and consistent. If you’re son is anything like me, he will feel like this too. He may, however, already have everything he needs (or that you think he needs), but being able to work hard for and earn our own money makes us feel more like we’ve got everything together. Besides, there are some things that kids don’t want to bother their parents for, so we like to take it upon ourselves and try to figure it out for ourselves. This is all a part of growing up. A job may help with this. With a job, he would learn responsibility. Also, since he would be getting an immediate reaction out of a job (i.e. money and with that money comes self-gifting/purchasing something for himself with his hard earned money, which can prove to be quite awarding for a teenager or really anyone), he might appreciate the achievements he makes more rather than if he were getting a reward/reaction in school (i.e. a “good job” or a temporarily good feeling, which may not always be enough if we’re being honest here). I would also recommend getting him a trustworthy guide/ or guidance counselor that can be with him every step of the way to make sure he completes all of his work until he is ready to do that for himself. I know he is in high school and shouldn’t need someone like that but sometimes we need a bit of a push, so having someone to sit there and help him with homework/ monitor or guide him as he finished everything will help. He may be interested in other things as well- things that his school does not provide. So, I would personally recommend getting him more interested in better hobbies (not too much as sports since that can just add to the stress) but finding things that he is passionate in and allowing himself to do those things. However, this can be tricky because if his passion is something like YouTube, gaming, etc., he may confuse this with meaning he should submerse himself in these tricky habits and that will distract him from school/work even more. So, I’d say if he were interested in something like YouTube get him to do things relative to that activity, but also relative to school (e.g. watching videos on self-improvement/educational videos and including YouTube videos daily into his routine to help with his homework or just giving him a temporary break every now and then as a reward). I know this may seem kind of like babying him, but I’m saying to maybe just follow these simple steps as to monitor and guide him and before you know it, he’s developing these better habits on his own w/o help from anyone! Please take my advice because, being in the same situation right now as your son, I would love for my parents to show this much concern and initiative for me! Also, last but not least, let him know that in order to get where he want to be in life (goals or paths they want to follow in order to be truly happy) they have to get it over with and finish high school first. That way when the time comes and they graduate, they can take whatever necessary steps they need in order to get to where they need/want to be and hopefully by then they will have a better mindset for their future! He could also be going through something or experiencing a lot of stress, so please continue to be there for him and talk to him! As well as just let him know that you’re there whenever he needs you and be more approachable by (with all due respect) nagging less and exhibiting/practicing more communication and reasoning/understanding with your child!

p.s. invest in an agenda/journal that they can keep up with! they can write lingering deep and personal thoughts and/or use it as a planner to stay ahead of the game and follow along with school/work better.

Olivia – THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much your post helped me! My son is 13 and just started with the missing assignments this year. At first, I reacted with anger, but then I could see in his eyes that he was hurting, so I changed my tone and started help him instead. According to your post, I am heading in the right direction with him. Today, we sat down together and went through his work to see what he has coming up and he wrote it all in his new planner. He was way more responsive to that than the yelling.

Again, Thank you so much for taking the time to help parents…that is quite noble. Oh, and BTW, your writing is awesome – good grammar and well written. I have never seen such writing from a teenager before. Way to go!

Hi Olivia thanks for helping us. But my child, she would come home and goes into her room and be on her phone and then lie and says she is doing her homework and that its completed and submited. Then I will get an email from her teachers. Everyday. She is a sophomore and I have try to be good and nice to her but I can’t do it no more.

Olivia I love your post and just like Lisa said your a great writer and I think you would be great as a writer someday. Keep up the good work with your writing because I see you going places just go with it. Find something you love to do that will help motivate you to succeed in all your classes. Take care my dear!

I have an 11yr old son in his 1st yr of middle school. He’s failing 3 classes and C’s and D’s in the other classes. He’s been in therapy he is in intervention at school and has a whole team working to get him back on track and he’s getting worst. He lies about everything. He doesn’t do his classwork, his h.w., fails test, loses all his school supplies and refuses to go to after school tutoring. Everything has been taken away from him and he doesn’t care. He just started acting up in class and he blamed it on the other kids and the teacher. I don’t know what to do. Professionals tell me there’s no learning disability or ADD or ADHD. I’m doing everything what is left to do!?!?

You are doing a great job! You have gotten him professional help in therapy and are working with the school. Those are the most important things, and I commend you in taking those important steps. This type of situation is not fixed quickly. The therapy will take time, but don’t stop. In addition, every child is different, so there is no one right or wrong way to help them. I encourage you to read a couple of other articles that might offer you some ideas:

For dealing with an unmotivated teen: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/when-your-teen-lacks-direction/ For dealing with a teen who lies: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/teens-and-lying/

There is a root cause to your son’s behavior, and it will take time to discover it. For example, some teens feel they are protecting themselves from failure by not caring or committing to anything. Other teens are so overwhelmed by stress, they withdraw. Others become so focused on their peers, their only motivation is to enhance their “image.” Your son’s therapist will be vital in discovering the root cause. And if that therapist doesn’t seem to be able to determine the root cause, then don’t hesitate to try another one. Your son and the therapist have to “click” for any progress to be made.

Parenting is such a difficult job, but I encourage you to take one day at a time and look for the positive qualities in your son that you can genuinely praise – that will make both of you feel better. Best of luck!

Jaz, Please tell me you have found something that has helped. I could have written this word-for-word myself right down to the age, grade and excuses. I am feeling soo helpless and frustrated at this point.

I have a 14 and a 13 year old they refused to do work for the longest time I’m a step-mom its been difficult we took away everything (even non electronics) all they had was school work and chores. So now they are home schooled and they have finally started doing chores and a little more homework (yes they do fight but a lot less. Our 8 year old does everything she needs to do. The oldest still refuses to do math and the 13 year old has been rude because he doesn’t want to do anything still but he does it. Just put your foot down.

I have a 17 year old son is getting almost all F in high school. I don’t see him do homework and he doesn’t seem to care. he mention something about joining the marines but nowdoesn’t seem interested. He spent a lot time with friend that are good influence . I cannot force him to do anything . At first I took everything away and still nothing change. He does chores once in awhile. I am alone working two jobs. with six children to raise.

I have a 15 year old daughter, she has been failing school since 6th grade. By the end of the year the teachers enter a grade just high enough to pass her. I have tried everything that I can think of. Read every thing I can get my hands on and tried it all. Nothing works. She has lost all electronics, been grounded and she is in therapy. I am so stressed out over her that I tend to get a bit mean sometimes ( not a good thing and it makes me feel bad ) I am tired at this point and giving up. SHE JUST DOES NOT CARE!!

This is definitely a difficult issue for many parents! You are not alone! When situations get really tough, and the parents have tried all the traditional approaches, it’s often time to get outside help. A family therapist or a local Family Crisis Intervention Unit can work with both the parents and the teen to find a resolution. There is no easy solution, but with patience and professional guidance, it is possible to get to a better place!

I am not alone 🙁

My son is 15 years old. We have enrolled him in the on-campus ROTC program as well as contacted the counselors and all teachers. He is even going to tutoring three times a week after school. He still seems to have no interest in studying or doing his homework. I have addressed all the issues that I think you may have. I have questioned him grounded him and have taken away All Electronics indefinitely. What do you do if this problem has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of school? He has even threatened to quit school. My problem is that I’m the only one that seems to care about his grades. His blatant disregard for his grades is causing me stress and not him. I feel for all parents going through this situation because we can care all day long but until he cares nothing will change

I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Nothing is more difficult than wanting the best for your child, but watching them throw it away. I know you feel helpless, stressed and frustrated. You are not alone – many parents go through this difficulty! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution or perfect answer – every situation and every person is different. However, we highly recommend that you read our previous blog, https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/motivating-a-teen-to-change-destructive-behaviors/ because it addresses many of these issues you are talking about. We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

I am going through the same exact thing. My son is almost 13. The feeling of hopelessness is setting in so fast for me. Like your situation, he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever about failing. I almost wish there was a root cause i can identify with other than “I hate school work”, like a bullying problem, or depression, etc.

We have done all of the above. no results. Its so heart-breaking. The last and only thing he LOVES to do and looks forward to is hockey and we finally took that away last night.

He isn’t a disrespectful kid, he doesn’t act out, he loves to hang out with the family and enjoys having conversations on politics, history and current events. Just hates school work.

Since you posted this, have you tried something different that has given you results? Any suggestion would be so welcomed.

my daugther is the same. Instead of hockey is ballet. I am at my wits end. She is a bright xhild who had all As in the first quarter, then started lowering her grades anf I realized it was because she was not doing her homework. She got 3 Ds in the 3rd quarter on the 3 subjects that she does not like: math and office productivity and the one that she needs to put a little effort. As in the rest because ahe like it. I have taken electronics and let her therapist know. We do have screaming matches and eventually she calms down and understands that she os not doing her work but in 1 or 2 weeks she is at it again. She is a good child, kind and very smart. I have asked during lenghty sensivle conversations why she is not doing her homework and her response is always ‘I don’t know’. She also lies about having finished her homework to get to do something fun and I don’t find out until later. I really don’t kbow what else to do but I don’t want next year to be like this one so I have already told her there will be no extracurricular classes next year if her 4th quarter is like her 3rd but we are 3 weeks into it and she is still not doing her homework.

Your son sounds like my son. He is not disrespectful and a joy to be around. All he cares about his soccer. He is a freshman in high school with low grades (failing algebra..I got him a tutor). He doesn’t care about failing. His attitude is “I’ll take it next year.” What did you do with your son? Please help me help my son.

My step son 13 and a freshman in high school. He just will not do him homework at all… He doesnt miss school but he is failing all classes. Terrible test scores and is down right disrespectful to his teachers peers and to his little brothers too. Tried everything… He doesnt seem to want to anything to help. Any advise?

Our son was adopted, lost his adoptive parents and we are the fourth set of parents he has known. he is partially sighted, has ADHD, and severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Follow the above… It does work… We moved all his electronic devices into different rooms: some rooms give him privacy, some rooms makE sure he has time with us so we keep up with who we are dealing with and we are building a good study pattern for his main exams and we are all getting to know each other much better. The important thing was to take the additive habit of electronic gadgets away. He now does more activities with us and opening up more. We worked together on a ladder chart that you climb as he accomplishes main milestones. If he is unsuccessful we have built in backup options or ways to get there. It has all the things he needs to do to get what he wants and the consequences if he misses a step or two he has backup steps. we got the school involved too and the college we hope he goes to for his choice in his career.

OMG I am living all of these nightmare with my 15 and 12 year old. Just got an email today that my 12 year old had 30 minutes to do an assignment and turned it in blank. WTH

I have the same problem with one of my son’s he just doesn’t care. The last 2 years of middle school he flunked a couple of classes during one semester then turned around a little bit and passed the next semester by a narrow margin. Went to summer school for the flunked classes and since the summer school is all online he completed both classes in a week and a half. This year he is a freshman in high school and he is failing all his classes, except 2 English and ROTC. His dad and I are at our wits end.

I think we should pray for them and encourage ,lets talk to them what they would like to become ,give them time to think and show love to them.

I have the same exact situation as Cat and Pete. My daughter is 14 years old. She has ALWAYS has a problem with homework. And its not just getting it done, its turning it in too. She just doesn’t seem to care. I know its not because she is having issues with the work itself because some of her missing work is for a Health class. This is easy stuff! She loves to read and is very good at it. She scores at a college level. She has to complete a reading log for her English class and she failed it last month because she didn’t complete any of it. And this is something that she IS actually completing. In my eyes, its pure laziness. I have taken away everything you can imagine. Phone, video games, TV privileges and nothing seems to “get to her”. The other day she sat at the kitchen table and literally refused to do any homework. She just sat there and scribbled on a notepad. I don’t know what to do. Im at a loss. Im exhausted from getting emails from all her teachers saying how bad she is doing. I tired of talking with her about it and getting yelled at for it. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Maybe homeschooling her. Or an online school.

I feel the same. Sometimes I just feel like I’m the bad parent. My son is the same. I have so many talks to him and explain to the best of my ability how important it is and I am here to help him. But all he does is continue with what his doing or roll his eyes. Feeling frustrated.

Look like you are just describing my 11 year old daughter, and she is not just refusing to do her homework, but she also refuses to clean her room or help with anything in the house!! she is also very good reader and i´m always pointing on that as a very positive thing!, the teachers wont stop email me at least once at week by 5 teachers its to much to handle for me!! I´m about to be on strikes as a mom.. it´s being more than a year when you write here, did you find the solution?? did your daughter got any better?

Hey Fabs! No unfortunately I have still not found a solution. She is now 15 and a Freshman in high school. She has been failing both Math and Science since the beginning of the school year. She NEVER brings homework home to work on. She never even brings a backpack to school! I am seriously at a loss with her. I just keep telling her now that she is in High School and her grades are more important than ever. If she fails a class, she has to make it up either in the summer or next school year but that doesn’t really seem to faze her. She simply just doesn’t care. She just keeps telling me that its her life and I shouldn’t care. She never does anything around the house and when we do ask her to do something simple, she gets so angry right away. I hate to say it, but she’s just selfish. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and is only nice to us when she wants something. People just keep telling me this is typical teenage behavior but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to deal with.

The comment made by Cat could have been written by me. Our son is exactly this and the same age. The article is good. However, we are not looking at a ‘change’ in behaviour, my son has NEVER done any homework. He just flatly refuses. He gets more and more referrals and then detentions. He just doesn’t seem to care! People say, ‘start with communication’ but he just won’t talk about it. All he says is, ‘I don’t care.’ We have tried homework club where he attends for one hour each week. This worked for a while but then he forgets and then is behind and gets another detention. He ended last year with 180 negative referral points. We were shocked when his 3yrs elder sister received just one. Little did we know what was coming! We have met with his teachers on my occasions. They have been very supportive, but still no result. They don’t have a school councillor as such. We have absolutely no idea how to connect with this child. Any help, from anyone, would be very, very most welcome.

We have a 14 year old 8th grader and nothing seems to work. He starts off each year with a “this year will be different” and then it goes downhill from there with him barely passing. We have tried reward. Didn’t work. This year we have slowly removed electronics until now he’s facing a summer with no electronics of any sort. It doesn’t seem to be working. His teachers complain that he’s not turning in work and spending most of his days staring at the walls. He just says he hates the teachers and the school work but loves seeing his friends at school. At this point in the year he has a B, a C, a D and 3 F’s. Once again, if his grades don’t change he will pass with about a quarter of a grade clearance. My husband contends that just getting harder on him will work. I’m not so sure. I think he’s at the age where he knows what to do, he’s just refusing to do it. He is a good kid otherwise. He’s been offered rewards for doing work but that isn’t working. He enters High School next year and we are not sure what to do. If we spend a lot of money to hire a tutor, which we don’t have the money to do, then there is no way to be sure he’ll even do the work with a tutor and it could be money down the drain. Do we just let him fail while keeping any privileges here at a minimum? At some point he will figure out that the person he is harming is himself, right? I read your article. We have no school counselor to consult. His teachers give homework but short of walking into each classroom with him each day I have no way of making sure he brings it home. I also can’t sit with him in class to make sure he pays any attention or does his work. It’s like he doesn’t believe us when we, or anyone else, tell him that this is harming his future life. Please help if you can.

Hi Cat, This could have been written by me! Has the situation improved one year on? I am at wits end. Like you I’ve tried everything. Please help.

I think this is often a good time to seek advice of a school guidance counselor. fortunately, if you don’t have that option, there are a number of excellent reading resources from well qualified professionals. By far the best I have found is Parents in Highschooland by Karyn Rashoff. http://highschooland.com/ The advice and ideas offered in this book really opened my eyes to a lot of ways that I could get involved to encourage and support my kids though high school. A must-read for parents of high school teens in my eyes.

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

Opinion: Do kids really need to do homework?

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The OECD acknowledges its Pisa studies show lower grades for children who reported spending more time on homework. Photo / 123RF

Seven-year-old Nadia Nizinkiewicz is thrilled about the Polish government’s decision to remove homework from her schooling.

In fact, “everybody in my class is very happy,” she tells me while colouring patterns in her notebook. “Some of our homework is very difficult.” She is excited about instead spending more time in the park “playing berek (the Polish version of tag) with my friends”.

Since taking office in December, Prime Minister Donald Tusk has launched a series of reforms, in part to dismantle the state apparatus built up by the previous government of the rightwing Law and Justice (PiS) party.

Late last year, Tusk’s government announced a 30 per cent salary increase for teachers, who have long complained about their working conditions. His education ministry is also changing the syllabus, for instance, cutting the number of hours for religious studies classes.

Some Polish history and literature that had been promoted under PiS’s ultranationalist and conservative agenda will be removed from classrooms, notably works by Polish Pope John Paul II.

Schools in Poland certainly need help. Following pandemic-era lockdowns, their next challenge was to welcome in 2022 the EU’s largest contingent of Ukrainian children fleeing Russia’s full-scale invasion of the country .

There is little agreement over whether scrapping homework will improve things, however. Former PiS education minister Przemysław Czarnek is predictably critical of the measure. Repetitio est mater studiorum (repetition is the mother of learning) remains, he says, “the recognised and natural principle of classical pedagogy”. The homework ban ignores this, he says.

Tomasz Gajderowicz from Poland’s Educational Research Institute, which is supervised by the education ministry, stresses that “the regulation is not a ban but merely a limitation and a change” to make homework “more effective”.

Polish children have eight years of primary school, from the age of seven, and teachers will still be able to assign homework in the final four years of schooling — but the choice is theirs and it won’t be graded.

Gajderowicz argues the reform is vindicated by recent Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa) education studies that show 15-year-olds in OECD countries spend an average of 1.5 hours a day on homework, compared with 1.7 hours in Poland.

The OECD also acknowledges its Pisa studies show lower grades for children who reported spending more time on homework.

But “with the Pisa data, we cannot draw causal inferences, and the results do not necessarily suggest that spending more time completing homework leads to lower scores,” says Miyako Ikeda, senior analyst in the OECD education directorate.

Poland’s education minister Barbara Nowacka has defended the move, notably by suggesting that “cunning” schoolchildren are seeking help from ChatGPT for their homework.

She also says that “the mental crisis of young people” can be attributed to “overload with studies and enormous stress”. Nowacka further links homework to inequality, since children in affluent families are often helped by their parents or private tutors.

But Justin Snider, an assistant dean at Columbia University who has taught across middle schools, high schools and universities, says “while there are legitimate concerns” around homework, this doesn’t mean there’s no value in it. “It means that teachers have to be more mindful of the types of homework they assign.”

Among my Warsaw acquaintances, Anna Pająk is now worrying about how to keep her 11-year-old son away from his mobile phone when he returns from school at 1pm. Contrary to Nowacka, she predicts rising inequality because it is now up to “parents to make even more effort to fill their children’s free time. Some kids will just be left in front of their screens for many more hours.”

Tom McGrath, director of the British Primary School on the outskirts of Warsaw, observes that Poland’s debate over homework shows how “education has become part of the culture wars”. Only one party is wholly delighted by the policy change: those who want to spend their afternoons playing berek.

Written by: Raphael Minder

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Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick

By james lehman, msw.

Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence , what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”

That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.

In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.

To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.

Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:

“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”

Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:

“These are the consequences.”

And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.

Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning

It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.

I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.

If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”

Your job is to take his phone and say:

“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.

It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:

“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.”

And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving

I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:

“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”

You might help generate some ideas by saying:

“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”

And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.”

You can then say:

“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”

Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.

Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.

Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:

“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”

Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.

If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.

I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.

Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.

Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:

“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”

In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.

So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:

“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”

Put it in his best interests. Say to him:

“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”

8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working

Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”

I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.

9. Don’t Take Away Important Events

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.

Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.

In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.

It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

A Final Thought

I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.

So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”

We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.

Related content: How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

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I'm on year 24 as a parent. I'm burnt out, completely. I'd like to say I've learned a great deal, but the resounding truth seems to be people are who they are. Not one of my 7 children (24 down to 8) has ever cared about being part of a family, cleaning up after themselves, reaching a goal, or being respectful.

You can give any consequence you like. They do not care. They just ignore you for weeks, months, or days. I am really good at sticking to a consequence. When you tell them they are not to have an item they cherish, they put all their stuff in a pile in the hall. You can call their bluff. They will not request it back. Years could pass. I ended up donating quite a few boxes, when some hit adulthood.

My middle, and younger children are fighters. I hate fighting. My husband is physically ill from all the bickering. We came from that environment, and we like reasonable conversations. We raised them in this normal speaking voice, because shouting and hitting is insane. They won't talk about tweaking their behavior. They just shrug and walk away. One kid is on day 44 of doing absolutely nothing. She has only stated, "I'm not a robot."

I have forgotten why I wanted to be a parent. I was raised around DOZENS of kids. I knew they were gross, whiny, and stubborn. My children take the cake. They have taken weaponized incompetence, and strapped nuclear programming to it.

I don't have extended family support. They are screamers. Plus, my oldest son still pops by to scream at me every couple of weeks.

I have failed miserably. I'm tired of people treating me like a trash can.

My 10 year old was asked on a school project, what I like to do. She wrote, "Clean". Next to mom's hobby's "Clean". What is your mom's job "Clean"

What is your mom's favorite possession? "Vacuum"

I'm an object to my family, even though I spent decades teaching them how to treat people well.

Gavin thanks

None of this worked. My 12 year old isn't allowed on the internet (never has been). He has some games that are online, but no surfing the internet. So, someone at school told him about a youtuber and this game stream he does. The kid made it sound really cool to him and he came home and downloaded youtube to his ps. It's been a constant battle ever since.In the 18 months he's started getting into more and more trouble at school as a result. We tell him no delete the app and take away the ps for a few days (between 2 and 5 days depending on how long it shows he's had it). The same kid tells him we're too over protective and need to get a life.

We've tried just banning the show. taking away the ps. Rewarding him for days he doesn't have the app. Talking to him about why he can't have it. Doing group punishment were his little brother receives the same. Physical punishments. Nothing works...nothing. In just a few days he redownload the app and we start all over. We are now moving into a phase were both child will only be allowed 30 minutes on the ps for the entire day and have to give up their controllers once the time has elapsed, but I dont think this will work either.

Carolyn My son is homeschooled due to anxiety etc at school. He makes friends relatively easily but lately he has not been responding well to parents of other children who give him discipline or consequences (i.e. remove a toy that the kids were arguing over). He literally shuts down and won't More talk to the parent and often the child either, even if I'm present. I'm really not sure what to do about it as I worry that he won't have many friends if he continues this way. As I said we have met several new kids this year already and he is great with them but when something doesn't go his way it goes downhill fast. He responds very well to a reward chart (i.e. points or something for doing things) and step ladders so thinking something like this might work with friendships too but we are currently in the middle of tweaking his behaviour at home which has also been a bit off the rails in the last few months.

Chris After reading this article and comments below this describes my son. He lies non stop about EVERYTHING! He disobeys and does things that he knows is wrong. When asked why he does this stuff all he says is "I don't know." He doesn't stop to think about his actions or More the consequences that come with them. It's like a thought pops in his head and he instantly does it without thinking about it. We just don't know what to do anymore. :(

I agree with most things in this article . I have a 14 year old daughter who is just terrible. She has been physically violent towards me, stollen money from us, ditches class, poor grades, and just defiant. I'm not sure where the line is to give her punishments. Her behavior is unacceptable. I need help. Any suggestions? Mom of 2

I agree with almost everything in this article. We have a very defiant 13 year old, but most of these techniques are very effective. One of my favorites is making them earn back what they lose in the way of privileges with out just "doing time". i.e. He has to clean up his room and keep it clean for so many days if he wants access to a play room where the TV is.

But one that's kind of a "maybe" for me is this one:

"In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. "

I sympathize with the reasoning behind this. I really do. A teenager may have a moment of stupid bad behavior, and taking away something like the prom is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he would miss out on and never be able to enjoy for the rest of his life.

The problem, however, is that children quickly figure out when certain privileges are "Holy Grails" - they are so important, so once-in-a-lifetime, or so ingrained in the family lifestyle that there is no way they will be taken away. And a truly defiant child will capitalize on this, taking advantage and being a maximum jerk on the eve of these events, because they know they cannot be taken away.

At moments like this, you *must* do away with sentiment and family tradition, and take away the privilege. A defiant kid must know that NOTHING is really ever "off the table" if they are going to push hard enough.

Renae I am having issues with my 10 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with ADHD and cannot seem to get her behavior under control. She is constantly stealing a cell phone or a tablet within the house. We have tried to take away the electronics. She lies about More everything and is too quick to tell a lie rather than to tell the truth. We have tried everything from taking things away all the way to spanking when deserved. Doctor says to talk to a behaviorist for other ideas. But I have a feeling that they are going to tell me to do things that we have already tried.

KimHardly Nice article,

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport AshleyAid I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when you have a child who doesn’t seem to care about consequences or the impact of his actions.  It’s actually pretty normal for https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-and-excuses-why-children-justify-their-behavior/ as a way of avoiding responsibility for their actions.  After all, if it’s someone else’s fault, or More you are just giving him consequences because you’re mean or unfair, then he doesn’t have to change his behavior.  Something else to keep in mind is that consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because they do not teach a child what to do differently.  In order to help your son change his behavior, it could be useful to assist him in developing more appropriate skills.  You might find our article series, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/, helpful as you continue to address your son’s behavior.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

What do I do? my daughter is 6 and was only 6 in July. I have problems with her behaviour at home and the teacher also do at school. She just doesn't listen and she is very angry and negative. I feel so drained and it's effecting us all as a family as her older brother and sister just say why is she like this!!! I have also contacted a family link worker which didn't solve anything. I just don't know what to do.

Kind regards Claire

Clairelcoaker 

I’m sorry to hear

about the challenges you are experiencing with your daughter, and I’m glad that

you are reaching out for support, both here and in your local community. 

It can be very draining when you are around someone who is constantly angry and

negative, and this doesn’t change simply because it is your child.  We

have many articles and other resources which address these topics here on our

site.  Here are some you might find useful to start with: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-5-things-not-to-do/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/negative-children-how-to-deal-with-a-complaining-child-or-teen/.  Please be

sure to let us know if you have additional questions; take care.

I hope you don't mind me responding. I just thought on the off-chance this could help you I couldn't leave it. I have a 9 year old who we have had similar issues with for years. In fact both of your comments struck a chord with me as you could be talking about my son. We have always followed a positive parenting style but we got to the point where nothing was working. I have four kids and it works fine with them. It was tearing out family apart. I recently found out he has the MTHFR gene mutation and very high Pyrolle levels. Since getting his biochemistry right, which we've done through a holistic doctor and naturopath (we are still working on it but 3 months in and we are seeing great changes) we are able to coach and parent him in a positive way and see results, for the first time ever. I can't tell you how much this is changing the dynamics of our family. He is still by far the most challenging in our household but he is SO much better! He still has his massive 'episodes' but they are shorter and fewer. We are re-training him to deal with things and its sticking because he has the ability to process it now.

I don't know if this might help, I really hope it does. Good luck and hang in there mumma xx

Thank you for

responding, and I recognize how stressful it can be when it feels like most of

your interactions with your daughter are either arguments or addressing poor

behavior.  Something that can be helpful is to prioritize all the issues

you are facing with your daughter’s behavior, and only focus on the top one or

two.  In this way, you can prevent becoming overwhelmed, as well as

building some positive interactions with your daughter.  Sara Bean offers

more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/.  Take care.

Thank you so much!

I had no ideia what to do with my son...

 He is driving me nuts. 

You help me so much..

.thank you!

ErickaL My daughter started pushing me around as soon as I took away her phone, and now is demanding it back, even though I am not giving in, she is now threatening me by not wanting to go to school so that I can get in trouble for truancy! That if More she can't have her way, then I'm going down!

You ask a great question. Truthfully, the purpose of a

consequence is to

hold a child accountable for his behavior while also offering him the

opportunity to learn how to make better choices in the future. Therefore, it’s important

to follow through with any consequence once it’s given. With that said, there

may be times when a parent gives a consequence in the heat of the moment that,

in hindsight, may be extreme. In those situations, a parent can go back after

things have calmed down and revisit what the consequence will be. Janet Lehman

gives tips for how to do this in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-discipline-consequences-and-effective-parenting/. I hope this helps to

answer your question. Take care.

My 14 year old son acts in the way you describe. He also acts this way with his teachers resulting in him being suspended. If we ground him he leaves the house regardless. He often goes to friends houses where we don't know where they live and the parents are unaware of his behaviour, or In some cases, are led to believe is being mistreated at home. He comes home When he wants.

My wife and I feel totally powerless

My daughter is doing the same thing. She got into trouble and was grounded from her phone and fun. So she just left and I don't know where she goes. No amount of punishment, understanding, talking, etc has helped. She just wants her way, to do what ever she wants.

She blames everything on me.

Mimi My 11yo old is the same exact way! I am over my he's and just don't know what to do anymore. Have you found anything that has helped?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. “Why Don't Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It
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• 4. How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
• 5. How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
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Poland's kids rejoice over new rules against homework. Teachers and parents aren't so sure

Many kids in Poland are rejoicing over strict limits imposed by the government on the amount of homework

WARSAW, Poland -- Ola Kozak is celebrating. The 11-year-old, who loves music and drawing, expects to have more free time for her hobbies after Poland’s government ordered strict limits on the amount of homework in the lower grades.

“I am happy,” said the fifth grader, who lives in a Warsaw suburb with her parents and younger siblings. The lilac-colored walls in her bedroom are covered in her art, and on her desk she keeps a framed picture she drew of Kurt Cobain.

“Most people in my class in the morning would copy the work off someone who had done the homework or would copy it from the internet. So it didn’t make sense,” she said.

The government of Prime Minister Donald Tusk enacted the ban against required homework this month amid a broad discussion about the need to modernize Poland's education system, which critics say puts too much emphasis on rote learning and homework, and not enough on critical thinking and creativity.

Under the decree, teachers are no longer to give required homework to kids in the first to third grades. In grades four to eight, homework is now optional and doesn't count towards a grade.

Not everyone likes the change – and even Ola’s parents are divided.

“If there is something that will make students enjoy school more, then it will probably be good both for the students and for the school,” said her father, Pawel Kozak.

His wife, Magda Kozak, was skeptical. “I am not pleased, because (homework) is a way to consolidate what was learned,” she said. “It helps stay on top of what the child has really learned and what’s going on at school.”

(Ola's brother Julian, a third grader, says he sees both sides.)

Debates over the proper amount of homework are common around the globe. While some studies have shown little benefit to homework for young learners, other experts say it can help them learn how to develop study habits and academic concepts.

Poland's educational system has undergone a number of controversial overhauls. Almost every new government has tried to make changes — something many teachers and parents say has left them confused and discouraged. For example, after communism was thrown off, middle schools were introduced. Then under the last government, the previous system was brought back. More controversy came in recent years when ultra-conservative views were pushed in new textbooks.

For years, teachers have been fleeing the system due to low wages and political pressure. The current government is trying to increase teacher salaries and has promised other changes that teachers approve of.

But Sławomir Broniarz, the head of the Polish Teachers' Union, said that while he recognized the need to ease burdens on students, the new homework rules are another case of change imposed from above without adequate consultation with educators.

“In general, the teachers think that this happened too quickly, too hastily,” he said.

He argued that removing homework could widen the educational gaps between kids who have strong support at home and those from poorer families with less support and lower expectations. Instead, he urged wider changes to the entire curriculum.

The homework rules gained impetus in the runup to parliamentary elections last year, when a 14-year-old boy, Maciek Matuszewski, stood up at a campaign rally and told Tusk before a national audience that children “had no time to rest.” The boy said their rights were being violated with so much homework on weekends and so many tests on Mondays.

Tusk has since featured Matuszewski in social media videos and made him the face of the sudden change.

Education Minister Barbara Nowacka said she was prompted by research on children’s mental health. Of the various stresses children face, she said, "the one that could be removed fastest was the burden of homework.”

Pasi Sahlberg, a prominent Finnish educator and author, said the value of homework depends on what it is and how it is linked to overall learning. The need for homework can be “very individual and contextual.”

“We need to trust our teachers to decide what is good for each child,” Sahlberg said.

In South Korea, homework limits were set for elementary schools in 2017 amid concerns that kids were under too much pressure. However, teenagers in the education-obsessed country often cram long into the night and get tutoring to meet the requirements of demanding school and university admission tests.

In the U.S., teachers and parents decide for themselves how much homework to assign. Some elementary schools have done away with homework entirely to give children more time to play, participate in activities and spend time with families.

A guideline circulated by teachers unions in the U.S. recommends about 10 minutes of homework per grade. So, 10 minutes in first grade, 20 minutes in second grade and so on.

The COVID-19 pandemic and a crisis around youth mental health have complicated debates around homework. In the U.S., extended school closures in some places were accompanied by steep losses in learning, which were often addressed with tutoring and other interventions paid for with federal pandemic relief money. At the same time, increased attention to student wellbeing led some teachers to consider alternate approaches including reduced or optional homework.

It's important for children to learn that mastering something "usually requires practice, a lot of practice,” said Sahlberg, in Finland. If reducing homework leads kids and parents to think school expectations for excellence will be lowered, “things will go wrong.”

AP writers Jan M. Olsen in Copenhagen, Denmark, Michael Melia in Hartford, Connecticut, and Hyung-jin Kim in Seoul, South Korea, contributed.

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Poland’s kids rejoice over new rules against homework. Teachers and parents aren’t so sure

Ola Kozak, 11, sits at the table where she used to do her homework at the family home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday April 5, 2024. Ola is happy that Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. Julian enjoyed doing his homework. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Arkadiusz Korporowicz teaches history to 5th grade children at Primary School number 223 in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Pawel Kozak and his wife Magda Kozak, parents of three, stand at their home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. They have different opinions on the decision by Poland’s government that ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Children enter a classroom at the Primary School number 223 in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Julian Kozak, 9, sits at the table where he used to do his homework at the family home in Warsaw, Poland, on Friday April 5, 2024. Julian is not very happy that Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Ola Kozak, 11, right, and her younger brother Julian Kozak, 9, sit at the table where they used to do their homework at the family home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday April 5, 2024. Ola is happy that Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. Julian enjoyed doing his homework. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Poland’s Education Minister Barbara Nowacka announces restrictions on the amount of homework for primary school children, at school number 223 in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. Opinions are divided on what results can be expected from the strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Pawel Kozak, father of three, speaks at his home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. Pawel and her wife Magda have different opinions on the decision by Poland’s government that ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Magda Kozak, mother of three, stands at her home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. Magda and her husband Pawel have different opinions on the decision by Poland’s government that ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Julian Kozak, 9, sits at the table where he used to do his homework at the family home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. Julian is not very happy that Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Magda Kozak, right, spends time with her son Julian, 9, at their home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. Neither of them is happy that starting in April, Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Children walk in the corridor of Primary School number 223 in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Children with flowers wait for the arrival of Education Minister Barbara Nowacka at Primary School number 223 in Warsaw, Poland, Wednesday April 3, 2024. Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades, starting in April. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

Julian Kozak, 9, plays with his cat at their home in Warsaw, Poland, Friday, April 5, 2024. Starting in April, Poland’s government has ordered strict limits on the amount of homework that teachers can impose on the lower grades. (AP Photo/Czarek Sokolowski)

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WARSAW, Poland (AP) — Ola Kozak is celebrating. The 11-year-old, who loves music and drawing, expects to have more free time for her hobbies after Poland’s government ordered strict limits on the amount of homework in the lower grades.

“I am happy,” said the fifth grader, who lives in a Warsaw suburb with her parents and younger siblings. The lilac-colored walls in her bedroom are covered in her art, and on her desk she keeps a framed picture she drew of Kurt Cobain.

“Most people in my class in the morning would copy the work off someone who had done the homework or would copy it from the internet. So it didn’t make sense,” she said.

The government of Prime Minister Donald Tusk enacted the ban against required homework this month amid a broad discussion about the need to modernize Poland’s education system, which critics say puts too much emphasis on rote learning and homework, and not enough on critical thinking and creativity.

Under the decree, teachers are no longer to give required homework to kids in the first to third grades. In grades four to eight, homework is now optional and doesn’t count towards a grade.

Not everyone likes the change – and even Ola’s parents are divided.

“If there is something that will make students enjoy school more, then it will probably be good both for the students and for the school,” said her father, Pawel Kozak.

His wife, Magda Kozak, was skeptical. “I am not pleased, because (homework) is a way to consolidate what was learned,” she said. “It helps stay on top of what the child has really learned and what’s going on at school.”

(Ola’s brother Julian, a third grader, says he sees both sides.)

Debates over the proper amount of homework are common around the globe. While some studies have shown little benefit to homework for young learners, other experts say it can help them learn how to develop study habits and academic concepts.

Poland’s educational system has undergone a number of controversial overhauls. Almost every new government has tried to make changes — something many teachers and parents say has left them confused and discouraged. For example, after communism was thrown off, middle schools were introduced. Then under the last government, the previous system was brought back. More controversy came in recent years when ultra-conservative views were pushed in new textbooks.

For years, teachers have been fleeing the system due to low wages and political pressure. The current government is trying to increase teacher salaries and has promised other changes that teachers approve of.

But Sławomir Broniarz, the head of the Polish Teachers’ Union, said that while he recognized the need to ease burdens on students, the new homework rules are another case of change imposed from above without adequate consultation with educators.

“In general, the teachers think that this happened too quickly, too hastily,” he said.

He argued that removing homework could widen the educational gaps between kids who have strong support at home and those from poorer families with less support and lower expectations. Instead, he urged wider changes to the entire curriculum.

The homework rules gained impetus in the runup to parliamentary elections last year, when a 14-year-old boy, Maciek Matuszewski, stood up at a campaign rally and told Tusk before a national audience that children “had no time to rest.” The boy said their rights were being violated with so much homework on weekends and so many tests on Mondays.

Tusk has since featured Matuszewski in social media videos and made him the face of the sudden change.

Education Minister Barbara Nowacka said she was prompted by research on children’s mental health. Of the various stresses children face, she said, “the one that could be removed fastest was the burden of homework.”

Pasi Sahlberg, a prominent Finnish educator and author, said the value of homework depends on what it is and how it is linked to overall learning. The need for homework can be “very individual and contextual.”

“We need to trust our teachers to decide what is good for each child,” Sahlberg said.

In South Korea, homework limits were set for elementary schools in 2017 amid concerns that kids were under too much pressure. However, teenagers in the education-obsessed country often cram long into the night and get tutoring to meet the requirements of demanding school and university admission tests.

In the U.S., teachers and parents decide for themselves how much homework to assign. Some elementary schools have done away with homework entirely to give children more time to play, participate in activities and spend time with families.

A guideline circulated by teachers unions in the U.S. recommends about 10 minutes of homework per grade. So, 10 minutes in first grade, 20 minutes in second grade and so on.

The COVID-19 pandemic and a crisis around youth mental health have complicated debates around homework. In the U.S., extended school closures in some places were accompanied by steep losses in learning , which were often addressed with tutoring and other interventions paid for with federal pandemic relief money. At the same time, increased attention to student wellbeing led some teachers to consider alternate approaches including reduced or optional homework.

It’s important for children to learn that mastering something “usually requires practice, a lot of practice,” said Sahlberg, in Finland. If reducing homework leads kids and parents to think school expectations for excellence will be lowered, “things will go wrong.”

AP writers Jan M. Olsen in Copenhagen, Denmark, Michael Melia in Hartford, Connecticut, and Hyung-jin Kim in Seoul, South Korea, contributed.