she doesn't her homework

Homework Struggles May Not Be a Behavior Problem

Exploring some options to understand and help..

Posted August 2, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

• Mental health challenges and neurodevelopmental differences directly affect children's ability to do homework.
• Understanding what difficulties are getting in the way—beyond the usual explanation of a behavior problem—is key.
• Sleep and mental health needs can take priority over homework completion.

Chelsea was in 10th grade the first time I told her directly to stop doing her homework and get some sleep. I had been working with her since she was in middle school, treating her anxiety disorder. She deeply feared disappointing anyone—especially her teachers—and spent hours trying to finish homework perfectly. The more tired and anxious she got, the harder it got for her to finish the assignments.

One night Chelsea called me in despair, feeling hopeless. She was exhausted and couldn’t think straight. She felt like a failure and that she was a burden to everyone because she couldn’t finish her homework.

She was shocked when I told her that my prescription for her was to go to sleep now—not to figure out how to finish her work. I told her to leave her homework incomplete and go to sleep. We briefly discussed how we would figure it out the next day, with her mom and her teachers. At that moment, it clicked for her that it was futile to keep working—because nothing was getting done.

This was an inflection point for her awareness of when she was emotionally over-cooked and when she needed to stop and take a break or get some sleep. We repeated versions of this phone call several times over the course of her high school and college years, but she got much better at being able to do this for herself most of the time.

When Mental Health Symptoms Interfere with Homework

Kids with mental health or neurodevelopmental challenges often struggle mightily with homework. Challenges can come up in every step of the homework process, including, but not limited to:

• Remembering and tracking assignments and materials
• Getting the mental energy/organization to start homework
• Filtering distractions enough to persist with assignments
• Understanding unspoken or implied parts of the homework
• Remembering to bring finished homework to class
• Being in class long enough to know the material
• Tolerating the fear of not knowing or failing
• Not giving up the assignment because of a panic attack
• Tolerating frustration—such as not understanding—without emotional dysregulation
• Being able to ask for help—from a peer or a teacher and not being afraid to reach out

This list is hardly comprehensive. ADHD , autism spectrum disorder, social anxiety , generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression , dysregulation, and a range of other neurodevelopmental and mental health challenges cause numerous learning differences and symptoms that can specifically and frequently interfere with getting homework done.

The Usual Diagnosis for Homework Problems is "Not Trying Hard Enough"

Unfortunately, when kids frequently struggle to meet homework demands, teachers and parents typically default to one explanation of the problem: The child is making a choice not to do their homework. That is the default “diagnosis” in classrooms and living rooms. And once this framework is drawn, the student is often seen as not trying hard enough, disrespectful, manipulative, or just plain lazy.

The fundamental disconnect here is that the diagnosis of homework struggles as a behavioral choice is, in fact, only one explanation, while there are so many other diagnoses and differences that impair children's ability to consistently do their homework. If we are trying to create solutions based on only one understanding of the problem, the solutions will not work. More devastatingly, the wrong solutions can worsen the child’s mental health and their long-term engagement with school and learning.

To be clear, we aren’t talking about children who sometimes struggle with or skip homework—kids who can change and adapt their behaviors and patterns in response to the outcomes of that struggle. For this discussion, we are talking about children with mental health and/or neurodevelopmental symptoms and challenges that create chronic difficulties with meeting homework demands.

How Can You Help a Child Who Struggles with Homework?

How can you help your child who is struggling to meet homework demands because of their ADHD, depression, anxiety, OCD , school avoidance, or any other neurodevelopmental or mental health differences? Let’s break this down into two broad areas—things you can do at home, and things you can do in communication with the school.

Helping at Home

The following suggestions for managing school demands at home can feel counterintuitive to parents—because we usually focus on helping our kids to complete their tasks. But mental health needs jump the line ahead of task completion. And starting at home will be key to developing an idea of what needs to change at school.

• Set an end time in the evening after which no more homework will be attempted. Kids need time to decompress and they need sleep—and pushing homework too close to or past bedtime doesn’t serve their educational needs. Even if your child hasn’t been able to approach the homework at all, even if they have avoided and argued the whole evening, it is still important for everyone to have a predictable time to shut down the whole process.
• If there are arguments almost every night about homework, if your child isn’t starting homework or finishing it, reframe it from failure into information. It’s data to put into problem-solving. We need to consider other possible explanations besides “behavioral choice” when trying to understand the problem and create effective solutions. What problems are getting in the way of our child’s meeting homework demands that their peers are meeting most of the time?
• Try not to argue about homework. If you can check your own anxiety and frustration, it can be more productive to ally with your child and be curious with them. Kids usually can’t tell you a clear “why” but maybe they can tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking. And if your child can’t talk about it or just keeps saying “I don't know,” try not to push. Come back another time. Rushing, forcing, yelling, and threatening will predictably not help kids do homework.

Helping at School

The second area to explore when your neurodiverse child struggles frequently with homework is building communication and connections with school and teachers. Some places to focus on include the following.

• Label your child’s diagnoses and break down specific symptoms for the teachers and school team. Nonjudgmental, but specific language is essential for teachers to understand your child’s struggles. Breaking their challenges down into the problems specific to homework can help with building solutions. As your child gets older, help them identify their difficulties and communicate them to teachers.
• Let teachers and the school team know that your child’s mental health needs—including sleep—take priority over finishing homework. If your child is always struggling to complete homework and get enough sleep, or if completing homework is leading to emotional meltdowns every night, adjusting their homework demands will be more successful than continuing to push them into sleep deprivation or meltdowns.
• Request a child study team evaluation to determine if your child qualifies for services under special education law such as an IEP, or accommodations through section 504—and be sure that homework adjustments are included in any plan. Or if such a plan is already in place, be clear that modification of homework expectations needs to be part of it.

The Long-Term Story

I still work with Chelsea and she recently mentioned how those conversations so many years ago are still part of how she approaches work tasks or other demands that are spiking her anxiety when she finds herself in a vortex of distress. She stops what she is doing and prioritizes reducing her anxiety—whether it’s a break during her day or an ending to the task for the evening. She sees that this is crucial to managing her anxiety in her life and still succeeding at what she is doing.

Task completion at all costs is not a solution for kids with emotional needs. Her story (and the story of many of my patients) make this crystal clear.

Candida Fink, M.D. , is board certified in child/adolescent and general psychiatry. She practices in New York and has co-authored two books— The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child and Bipolar Disorder for Dummies.

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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The child does not want to study or to do their homework: what should parents do?

The school year is now starting again and with that, the Internet is blowing up with parents’ search engine inputs: “my child doesn’t want to study”, “how to make my child do their homework?”, “what to do if the child is bored with their studies?”. Every parent is willing to see a studious child in their son or daughter, the one who is running to school with joy and carefully doing their homework. However, what needs to be done if the child is now lacking the willingness to study? Is it worth forcing them or are there any alternative options? You will find the answers to these questions in this article.

Stop having an overly caring approach for your child and give their developing personality an opportunity for freedom. At the same time, do not worry about your child, always know where they are, which path they take to get somewhere and what is happening around them with the “Findmykids” app that can be downloaded from AppStore and GooglePlay .

Finding out the underlying reason

The correct approach of the parents.

• The tips of a psychologist 

8 effective ways to motivate for good study

Does the homework need to be done together with parents.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com

In order to find out why did the urge to acquire new knowledge at school disappears suddenly, the reason for such behavior needs to be found out. This may mean the following:

1. Lack of motivation

The child does not understand the importance and the need of the learning process. In the classroom, they are bored, they do not listen to the teacher, and they prefer to go about their business or chat with classmates.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Why don’t kids want to do homework? The answer is very simple. They are not interested in it.Unfortunately, the school allows only for little practical experience for life and success, together with having plenty of gadgets and “distractions”. Therefore, children at school often do not understand why . Why do they need it? How is it useful in life? It is important to talk with children and to provide answers to these questions. To show and explain things to them through the example of famous “young” people. To try to apply the knowledge gained at school, in life, together. Praise the child’s actions. For example, you can gather your child’s friends and arrange the quest “Why do we need mathematics?” The team that finds more practical examples, gets a pizza.

2. Issues in the relationship between the teacher and the student

⠀ Even one careless word from a teacher can offend a child and affect their attitude towards learning, not to mention obvious conflicts. This is especially true for anxious and vulnerable children.

3. Conflicts with classmates, teasing, bullying

⠀ It is important for parents to pay attention to all sudden changes in the behavior of their son or daughter and to be able to help their child in time if they become the victim of bullying .

4. The unfavorable situation within the family

When parents constantly quarrel, it is difficult for the child to concentrate on educational activities. Well, how can you solve a problem in physics when dad shouts that he will leave the family, and mom replies by saying that she wasted her life on a worthless person?

5. Excessive parental control

There are parents (these are mainly mothers) who are interested in controlling everything that happens within the family, including the school life of the child. This omnipresent control stretches out even to backpacks and birthday presents for classmates. What motivation can we be demanding from a child, if in those situations, mom always knows better, and mom decides on everything?

6. Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence

It is difficult for such children to prove themselves at school. Raising a hand to answer a teacher’s question, calling a classmate and asking them about homework proves itself to be very problematic for them. If at the same time parents also have excessive expectations for the child and criticize them for the smallest mistakes, the son or daughter starts being anti-social and acts according to the principle of “choosing something with the smallest negative impact”. The child starts skipping lessons, stops doing homework and starts getting bad grades. Why bother if their efforts will still not be appreciated?

7. Excessive workload of the child after school

Swimming classes on Monday and Thursday, dance on Wednesday and Tuesday, art school on other days. Sounds familiar? Many parents strive to oversaturate the schedule of their child. As a result, the psyche turns on defense mechanisms, protecting their brain from the excessive effort. The child begins to be lazy and to postpone their homework until late at night.

8. Physiological reasons

Hyperactivity , weak self-control, somatic diseases – here is an incomplete list of what can also affect a child’s lack of desire to sit at a desk and to do their homework.

A combination of reasons

The next example is exactly about that.

As it can be seen, a child may have several reasons not to be willing to study. Most often, it is not one single reason, but rather a whole set, with which parents need to get familiar.

Dear mums and dads! If you would be actually forcing the child to study, it would be unlikely that something good will turn out from this. Anything that is done when being forced or under pain of punishment will not be beneficial. So let’s not force children to learn, but rather encourage them to do so. The competent stance of the parent will help them with this.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] It is surely possible to force the child to study. However, this will need to be done throughout the entire 9 to 11 years.When we force children, we assume our responsibility for them. On the other hand, we also really want the children to be independent and to do their homework. Therefore, should this be possible, we need to establish the rules for learning right from primary school. There is no need to do homework with a first grader – the parent’s function is to help them not to get distracted from this activity. If the student is older, the issue needs to be solved through motivation and encouragement.

Realistic perception of the situation

What do most parents do if their child doesn’t want to learn? That’s right, they turn to drastic measures, such as physical punishment. It is very likely that your parents did this, and that you also often do this.

Let’s leave the screaming, the abuse and the punishment out of the picture. They won’t do help in any way. “Horror stories” about becoming a janitor without the willingness to do study, will not be of any help either.

Parents need to understand that a child’s reluctance to learn always stems from a specific reason.

Learn how to react correctly to the child misbehaving in the article about the 10 ways to punish your child without screaming, hitting and humiliation .

In order for the child to start dealing with their problems in autonomy, it is important for them to hear the following from their parents:

• “I believe in you”;
• “Everything will work out”;
• “We will sort out this problem together”;
• “There are no unresolvable problems”.

Parents can do the following:

• explain what has not been understood on their own;
• hire a tutor;
• talk to the teacher;
• alter the position of the parent;
• go to the neurologist together;
• find a solution to problems at school collectively with your son or daughter.

Find out whether your child is being bullied at school and whether they are being treated well by their teachers, in order to solve the problem in a timely manner. Listen to the sounds around them and monitor their location in real-life conditions with the “Findmykids” app.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Sign an agreement with the child, an actual written one. Clearly outline what they are entitled to for “voluntary” completion of the lessons and what is the “punishment” for not completing a task. Incentive schemes work well with older children, for example, if the child was doing their homework all week, on the weekend the whole family goes where the child chooses to go. Stickers with “well done” on them, work great with younger students.

How to help your child?

The tips of a psychologist

From generation to generation, we have passed on an unwillingness to learn. Children start being scared of learning right from kindergarten: “When you go to school, the teacher will not take your tantrums into consideration, they will immediately give you a bad grade”, “if you behave badly, you will be taken to the headmaster’s office”. The child is prepared for the fact that it will be difficult, uninteresting, and painful to study, in advance.

• Try to talk positively about the school and the teachers. The school is the foundation and base of the child’s entire future life.

When a child’s feelings are denied, they quickly lose interest in any activity, including studying. The child says, “This is a very difficult task. I will never complete it, and receives in response: “You are just very lazy, everything seems difficult for you”.

• Let the children share their fears and concerns with you, even if they seem like they are blown out of proportion to you.
• In a family, a child can find everything they need. Listen more and judge less, and then the children themselves will want to share their problems with you.

The desire to raise a genius out of a child with excellent grades in all subjects leads to nervous breakdowns and low self-esteem, because a son or daughter cannot always reach the standard set by their parents. The same applies to unfulfilled parental expectations, when, for instance, a mother dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer so much, that she decided that her daughter must make her dream come true.

The issue of all parents is to be comparing them with other children. “You see, Pete always gets straight As, and you only get Cs and Ds”, “you see, Lara has been doing the homework on her own for a while now, and you are still asking for my help”. The child starts silently hating Pete and other kids, thinking of themselves as the biggest loser.

• If you are comparing the child with someone, compare them only with themselves: “You see, last year it was hard for you to learn the rules of multiplication, and this year it is super easy for you!”
• Praise your children more often for their achievements, even for small ones.
• Explain why it is so important to go to school and what it will give your child in the future.
• Do not scold them for poor grades, the child is already upset with this. Try to figure out the reason for them in the first place.
• Don’t “reimburse” good grades with gadgets, fashionable items or other purchases.
• Talk to the child more often about their dreams and plans for the future.
• It is important to teach the child the time management skills for their time after school, so that there is enough time for both rest and homework.
• The stance that “grades are not important, however, the acquired knowledge is”, is a useful one for both parents and children.
• Do homework with your child only if they ask for help.

Now let’s address the question that worries many parents. Should I help my child with homework? If you do not help, they will make a bunch of mistakes, or forget to learn the poem or will not even turn in the DIY airplane model for their arts & crafts project.

According to the “biggest-ever” study on parents and children carried out in 2018 by the Varkey Foundation on a sample of 27 000 people from 29 countries, suggests that overall, only 25% of parents spend on average 7 or more hours a week helping their children with homework. Moreover, nearly 30% of all parents feel that they need to help their children more and to be more responsive to their needs.

Here is what today’s mums and dads recall about their childhood:

1. “I always had problems with math at school. Well, I did not understand all these sin and cos, integrals and functions! In the 6th grade, my father took over my education. And since he was not a very good teacher, he explained all the topics to me in a raised voice, got angry when I did not understand something. As a result, we quarreled, he called me stupid and said that nothing good would turn out from me. Maybe some mathematical knowledge remained in my head, but my relationship with my father got fully ruined”.

2. “My mother took the matter of my homework into her own hands from my first grade. We sat down with her and did it for hours until she was happy with the result. Sometimes my mother was annoyed that I was doing it very slowly, and she did some of the tasks instead of me. When she was not at home, I never did the homework myself. What for? She wouldn’t be happy about something in it anyway, and I’ll have to redo it”.

As we can see, the parental attempts to control the process of performing the tasks may not always be beneficial for the child.

What is recommended by professionals:

• in the first grade, parents need to do their homework with their child, but only in order to organize the whole process. Teach your son or daughter some easy tricks, for example, starting off with doing written tasks followed by oral tasks, that a complex math problem is to be firstly done on a draft and that a test or an exam requires some preparation in advance;
• allocate a special time for homework with your child, for example, from 5 pm to 7 pm. Help them organize their workplace and space, ensure they have good lighting;
• do not refuse to help if the child asks you for it. However, don’t try to do it instead of them, but rather do it together with them;
• homework is the workload of a child, and only they should be responsible for it, not mom or dad, as they have completed all of their homework a long time ago.

Dear parents, remember: your goal is not to force the son or the daughter to study, but to create such an atmosphere within the family where the child would have an opportunity to share any of their problems, where they are recognized and appreciated not through their grades and where they will be able to acquire the knowledge for their future adult life.

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‘There’s only so far I can take them’ – why teachers give up on struggling students who don’t do their homework

Assistant Professor of Sociology, Indiana University

Professor of Mathematics Education, Vanderbilt University

Disclosure statement

Jessica Calarco has received funding from the Institute of Education Sciences, U.S. Department of Education, through Grant R305C050041-05 to the University of Pennsylvania and from the Networks, Complex Systems & Health Project Development Team within the ICTSI NIH/NCRR Grant Number UL1TR001108. She is a member of the Board of Directors of the Council on Contemporary Families.

Ilana Horn currently receives funding from the National Science Foundation. In the past, her work has been funded by the Spencer Foundation, the Carnegie Foundation, the Washington State Office of the Superintendent of Public Instruction, the Mindset Scholars Network, and the American Educational Research Association.

Vanderbilt University provides funding as a founding partner of The Conversation US.

Indiana University provides funding as a member of The Conversation US.

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Whenever “Gina,” a fifth grader at a suburban public school on the East Coast, did her math homework, she never had to worry about whether she could get help from her mom.

“I help her a lot with homework,” Gina’s mother, a married, mid-level manager for a health care company, explained to us during an interview for a study we did about how teachers view students who complete their homework versus those who do not.

“I try to maybe re-explain things, like, things she might not understand,” Gina’s mom continued. “Like, if she’s struggling, I try to teach her a different way. I understand that Gina is a very visual child but also needs to hear things, too. I know that when I’m reading it, and I’m writing it, and I’m saying it to her, she comprehends it better.”

One of us is a sociologist who looks at how schools favor middle-class families . The other is a math education professor who examines how math teachers perceive their students based on their work.

We were curious about how teachers reward students who complete their homework and penalize and criticize those who don’t – and whether there was any link between those things and family income.

By analyzing student report cards and interviewing teachers, students and parents, we found that teachers gave good grades for homework effort and other rewards to students from middle-class families like Gina, who happen to have college-educated parents who take an active role in helping their children complete their homework.

But when it comes to students such as “Jesse,” who attends the same school as Gina and is the child of a poor, single mother of two, we found that teachers had a more bleak outlook.

The names “Jesse” and “Gina” are pseudonyms to protect the children’s identities. Jesse can’t count on his mom to help with his homework because she struggled in school herself.

“I had many difficulties in school,” Jesse’s mom told us for the same study. “I had behavior issues, attention-deficit. And so after seventh grade, they sent me to an alternative high school, which I thought was the worst thing in the world. We literally did, like, first and second grade work. So my education was horrible.”

Jesse’s mother admitted she still can’t figure out division to this day.

“[My son will] ask me a question, and I’ll go look at it and it’s like algebra, in fifth grade. And I’m like: ‘What’s this?’” Jesse’s mom said. “So it’s really hard. Sometimes you just feel stupid. Because he’s in fifth grade. And I’m like, I should be able to help my son with his homework in fifth grade.”

Unlike Gina’s parents, who are married and own their own home in a middle-class neighborhood, Jesse’s mom isn’t married and rents a place in a mobile home community. She had Jesse when she was a teenager and was raising Jesse and his brother mostly on her own, though with some help from her parents. Her son is eligible for free lunch.

An issue of equity

As a matter of fairness, we think teachers should take these kinds of economic and social disparities into account in how they teach and grade students. But what we found in the schools we observed is that they usually don’t, and instead they seemed to accept inequality as destiny. Consider, for instance, what a fourth grade teacher – one of 22 teachers we interviewed and observed during the study – told us about students and homework.

“I feel like there’s a pocket here – a lower income pocket,” one teacher said. “And that trickles down to less support at home, homework not being done, stuff not being returned and signed. It should be almost 50-50 between home and school. If they don’t have the support at home, there’s only so far I can take them. If they’re not going to go home and do their homework, there’s just not much I can do.”

While educators recognize the different levels of resources that students have at home, they continue to assign homework that is too difficult for students to complete independently, and reward students who complete the homework anyway.

Consider, for example, how one seventh grade teacher described his approach to homework: “I post the answers to the homework for every course online. The kids do the homework, and they’re supposed to check it and figure out if they need extra help. The kids who do that, there is an amazing correlation between that and positive grades. The kids who don’t do that are bombing.

"I need to drill that to parents that they need to check homework with their student, get it checked to see if it’s right or wrong and then ask me questions. I don’t want to use class time to go over homework.”

The problem is that the benefits of homework are not uniformly distributed. Rather, research shows that students from high-income families make bigger achievement gains through homework than students from low-income families.

This relationship has been found in both U.S. and Dutch schools , and it suggests that homework may contribute to disparities in students’ performance in school.

Tougher struggles

On top of uneven academic benefits, research also reveals that making sense of the math homework assigned in U.S schools is often more difficult for parents who have limited educational attainment , parents who feel anxious over mathematical content . It is also difficult for parents who learned math using different approaches than those currently taught in the U.S. .

Meanwhile, students from more-privileged families are disproportionately more likely to have a parent or a tutor available after school to help with homework, as well as parents who encourage them to seek help from their teachers if they have questions . And they are also more likely to have parents who feel entitled to intervene at school on their behalf.

False ideas about merit

In the schools we observed, teachers interpreted homework inequalities through what social scientists call the myth of meritocracy . The myth suggests that all students in the U.S. have the same opportunities to succeed in school and that any differences in students’ outcomes are the result of different levels of effort. Teachers in our study said things that are in line with this belief.

For instance, one third grade teacher told us: “We’re dealing with some really struggling kids. There are parents that I’ve never even met. They don’t come to conferences. There’s been no communication whatsoever. … I’ll write notes home or emails; they never respond. There are kids who never do their homework, and clearly the parents are OK with that.

"When you don’t have that support from home, what can you do? They can’t study by themselves. So if they don’t have parents that are going to help them out with that, then that’s tough on them, and it shows.”

• Mathematics
• K-12 education
• Math skills
• Math scores
• Higher ed attainment

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Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

Is Your Adolescent Exhibiting "Normal" Teenage Rebellion or Is He/She Headed for a Train Wreck?

In this article, we will discuss key signs and factors that can help you distinguish between normal teenage rebellion versus dangerous behav...

A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

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The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

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November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

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January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

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February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

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38 comments.

I’m 15 and one problem I have with school is just the way it prevents me from living life. I have so many plans but all of them have to wait so long to accomplish. It just feels like school is holding me back and having to go through it is pointless until I get to the degrees I actually want. I want to get a degree in business and marketing and become an entrepreneur but to do so I’ll have to go through lots of school that, while it may be useful in some way, doesn’t feel useful at all right now. I could just drop out of course since you don’t need a degree to become an entrepreneur, but I want the business knowledge to help me succeed. Not to mention the fact that becoming a dropout can have bad effects on your social life and the way people think of you. I could start it while in school, but finding the time to do that with all the schooling, homework, and extracurricular activities I have would be a nightmare. It causes lots of internal conflict and drains all motivation to do school.

Im in the same boat for the 2nd year in a row. We did counseling, intervention school program for 6months straight, tutoring and he still fail math and science. Everyone says he’s lazy and has no deficiencies. This year he’s still failing science english and math. Only had an A in PE. He goes to school everyday and nothing is working. At what point do I say oh well you don’t care so I won’t either. There’s only 5 1/2 years left until he’s 18 and I feel time is running out.

I have a grandson in same situation. The best I can see is a junior carpenter course or business course.

My 17 year old son is unmotivated, is not doing his homework and as a consequence he is failing his classes, most of the time he don’t want to go to the school. he is taking 5 AP classes as his own decision but is not doing the work that those classes required and refused to drop them. I don’t know what to do, he wants to get a job and i am supporting him in apply, but i want him to finish school but he is not doing anything. I spoke with the school counselor and we are considering drop some of his classes but i don’t want my son feels more depressed if we do it. I trying to be patient and talk to him but he is not motivated about school at all. Please help

I can say “ditto” to almost everything you’ve mentioned. We have a 17 year old son. He’s also taking AP courses but has refused to do any hw since about October and is failing several classes badly. The last 1.5 years have been out of character in that he normally worked hard and wouldn’t quit on things – over time we’ve seen him slowly quit on one thing after another (and not just in academics). Now it’s piling up.

When his parents ask, a counselor asks, the pastor asks, or his teachers ask “why aren’t you doing hw?” the answer is always “i don’t know…” and then some circular reasoning about things that aren’t really relevant. He does very well on almost all the exams but it’s not enough in highschool if you don’t do any HW (or sometimes fail to turn in quizzes).

It’s quite sad, he has no happiness in anything or desire for anything except to watch youtubers talking about random inconsequential things. If we take away the computer he sits in a dark room with lights off telling us he can waste time in other ways besides watching youtube if needed. When we ask serious questions respectfully he tears up but then quickly puts on a blank face.

We’ve met with professional counselors but so far haven’t identified the root issue. He’s not clinically depressed. Like you we don’t want to demoralize him further by pulling him out of the things he’s doing in school but soon we may have a highly gifted kid who fails a year of highschool and next year will probably not be any better at this rate.

My brother is the same way! very bright kid, but refuses to do any homework. Would rather play games and watch videos. He is also becoming quite rude to his teachers, we haven’t figure out the root issue. At this point, we are just letting him fail, maybe he needs to learn the hard way..

Our son is just like yours; has always been considered exceptional, showing great potential, but now completely uncaring about anything and unmotivated to do any schoolwork. Since online learning became mandatory he will log into his classes then do other things. As a result he’s failing 3 classes and barely passing 2 others. This started the second part of his junior year and has continued this year. It’s gone from thinking about what college to try for to blowing off the SAT test, failing classes and now possibly not graduating High School. (This from a kid who took the PSAT’s in 10th grade and scored 1360 without studying). We understand that there may be some underlying issue and reason for his lack of motivation so we approach it in a caring way (most days). He’s not defiant, just completely unmotivated. I think back to the day years ago when the schools all announced they would be switching entirely to computer learning. That essentially means without internet kids cannot due schoolwork. How do you discipline or have structure with school work when kids have all these temptations and distractions right in front of them to click on? If book learning was still in place simply turning off the internet and allowing it for certain times as a reward would be ideal. Instead we have a nation of distracted, unfocused, addicted to electronics young people. We took a step back from expectations and now are focused more on his emotional and physical well being. Just getting him to graduate is the aim, then maybe encouraging him to get a job after graduating. If there was a life course for kids who need a sense of direction in a supportive, encouraging way I would like to know about it.

I get it. I am in the same position as your son right now. I am in my sophomore year of high school and I can’t really explain it but when second semester started, I was so unmotivated to do anything. Of course, I’ve never been inspired or motivated for school, but I’ve never been a bad student either. Well, at least not until I started completely ignoring my work and letting it pile up so bad that I have begun to lose all hope. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve completely lost all motivation and initiative to do my work. Since this quarantine, everything has gotten worse. I have all F’s except for in art class. In art, I believe I still have a B or at least a C. However, I don’t check anymore because I am scared to look at my grades as it reminds me of my constant failure. Of course, I take full responsibility for my wrongful actions. I know what I’m doing right now is not going to get me anywhere but held back in my academics, but for some reason I keep diving head first into this endless black hole of failure and despondency. It started out as procrastination. I’ve never had any enthusiasm about school work and have always been a procrastinator, even in middle school, but since going into high school…it’s gotten MUCH worse. I find myself day-dreaming and fantasizing about this “perfect” productive life and thinking a lot about the future while not taking recognition of the fact that I am so far behind, I may not have a future. Basically, I have a very active imagination and can sometimes channel this habit of mine to idealize my life and future- it’s almost like I’m living in this made up world of assurance and protection for myself where everything is going to work out the way I want it to unlike in reality. I have always been a very sensitive and easily downed child, so when I entered into high school pessimistic thoughts would flood my mind over and over again (more than usual). I don’t claim to have a problem (mentally) nor have I ever been diagnosed with anything (although I’ve never been checked for anything since I don’t normally express my stress and depression to people- not even family, not that they’d take much notice anyway). I also have no solution to this reoccurring problem of mine yet. However, the one thing I’d recommend you do is let your son get a job. As ridiculous as it sounds to let him get a job when he can’t even focus on school (which I do agree that education is more important than a job, in some cases), I think a job might make him less obstinate or noncompliant, as well as teach him some responsibility. It can also help if he is going through something right now like early senioritis/senioritis and/or slight or mild depression and stress. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but when I think about getting a job I think about being able to provide for myself and getting myself better things and the proper stuff I need to stay motivated and consistent. If you’re son is anything like me, he will feel like this too. He may, however, already have everything he needs (or that you think he needs), but being able to work hard for and earn our own money makes us feel more like we’ve got everything together. Besides, there are some things that kids don’t want to bother their parents for, so we like to take it upon ourselves and try to figure it out for ourselves. This is all a part of growing up. A job may help with this. With a job, he would learn responsibility. Also, since he would be getting an immediate reaction out of a job (i.e. money and with that money comes self-gifting/purchasing something for himself with his hard earned money, which can prove to be quite awarding for a teenager or really anyone), he might appreciate the achievements he makes more rather than if he were getting a reward/reaction in school (i.e. a “good job” or a temporarily good feeling, which may not always be enough if we’re being honest here). I would also recommend getting him a trustworthy guide/ or guidance counselor that can be with him every step of the way to make sure he completes all of his work until he is ready to do that for himself. I know he is in high school and shouldn’t need someone like that but sometimes we need a bit of a push, so having someone to sit there and help him with homework/ monitor or guide him as he finished everything will help. He may be interested in other things as well- things that his school does not provide. So, I would personally recommend getting him more interested in better hobbies (not too much as sports since that can just add to the stress) but finding things that he is passionate in and allowing himself to do those things. However, this can be tricky because if his passion is something like YouTube, gaming, etc., he may confuse this with meaning he should submerse himself in these tricky habits and that will distract him from school/work even more. So, I’d say if he were interested in something like YouTube get him to do things relative to that activity, but also relative to school (e.g. watching videos on self-improvement/educational videos and including YouTube videos daily into his routine to help with his homework or just giving him a temporary break every now and then as a reward). I know this may seem kind of like babying him, but I’m saying to maybe just follow these simple steps as to monitor and guide him and before you know it, he’s developing these better habits on his own w/o help from anyone! Please take my advice because, being in the same situation right now as your son, I would love for my parents to show this much concern and initiative for me! Also, last but not least, let him know that in order to get where he want to be in life (goals or paths they want to follow in order to be truly happy) they have to get it over with and finish high school first. That way when the time comes and they graduate, they can take whatever necessary steps they need in order to get to where they need/want to be and hopefully by then they will have a better mindset for their future! He could also be going through something or experiencing a lot of stress, so please continue to be there for him and talk to him! As well as just let him know that you’re there whenever he needs you and be more approachable by (with all due respect) nagging less and exhibiting/practicing more communication and reasoning/understanding with your child!

p.s. invest in an agenda/journal that they can keep up with! they can write lingering deep and personal thoughts and/or use it as a planner to stay ahead of the game and follow along with school/work better.

Olivia – THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much your post helped me! My son is 13 and just started with the missing assignments this year. At first, I reacted with anger, but then I could see in his eyes that he was hurting, so I changed my tone and started help him instead. According to your post, I am heading in the right direction with him. Today, we sat down together and went through his work to see what he has coming up and he wrote it all in his new planner. He was way more responsive to that than the yelling.

Again, Thank you so much for taking the time to help parents…that is quite noble. Oh, and BTW, your writing is awesome – good grammar and well written. I have never seen such writing from a teenager before. Way to go!

Hi Olivia thanks for helping us. But my child, she would come home and goes into her room and be on her phone and then lie and says she is doing her homework and that its completed and submited. Then I will get an email from her teachers. Everyday. She is a sophomore and I have try to be good and nice to her but I can’t do it no more.

Olivia I love your post and just like Lisa said your a great writer and I think you would be great as a writer someday. Keep up the good work with your writing because I see you going places just go with it. Find something you love to do that will help motivate you to succeed in all your classes. Take care my dear!

I have an 11yr old son in his 1st yr of middle school. He’s failing 3 classes and C’s and D’s in the other classes. He’s been in therapy he is in intervention at school and has a whole team working to get him back on track and he’s getting worst. He lies about everything. He doesn’t do his classwork, his h.w., fails test, loses all his school supplies and refuses to go to after school tutoring. Everything has been taken away from him and he doesn’t care. He just started acting up in class and he blamed it on the other kids and the teacher. I don’t know what to do. Professionals tell me there’s no learning disability or ADD or ADHD. I’m doing everything what is left to do!?!?

You are doing a great job! You have gotten him professional help in therapy and are working with the school. Those are the most important things, and I commend you in taking those important steps. This type of situation is not fixed quickly. The therapy will take time, but don’t stop. In addition, every child is different, so there is no one right or wrong way to help them. I encourage you to read a couple of other articles that might offer you some ideas:

For dealing with an unmotivated teen: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/when-your-teen-lacks-direction/ For dealing with a teen who lies: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/teens-and-lying/

There is a root cause to your son’s behavior, and it will take time to discover it. For example, some teens feel they are protecting themselves from failure by not caring or committing to anything. Other teens are so overwhelmed by stress, they withdraw. Others become so focused on their peers, their only motivation is to enhance their “image.” Your son’s therapist will be vital in discovering the root cause. And if that therapist doesn’t seem to be able to determine the root cause, then don’t hesitate to try another one. Your son and the therapist have to “click” for any progress to be made.

Parenting is such a difficult job, but I encourage you to take one day at a time and look for the positive qualities in your son that you can genuinely praise – that will make both of you feel better. Best of luck!

Jaz, Please tell me you have found something that has helped. I could have written this word-for-word myself right down to the age, grade and excuses. I am feeling soo helpless and frustrated at this point.

I have a 14 and a 13 year old they refused to do work for the longest time I’m a step-mom its been difficult we took away everything (even non electronics) all they had was school work and chores. So now they are home schooled and they have finally started doing chores and a little more homework (yes they do fight but a lot less. Our 8 year old does everything she needs to do. The oldest still refuses to do math and the 13 year old has been rude because he doesn’t want to do anything still but he does it. Just put your foot down.

I have a 17 year old son is getting almost all F in high school. I don’t see him do homework and he doesn’t seem to care. he mention something about joining the marines but nowdoesn’t seem interested. He spent a lot time with friend that are good influence . I cannot force him to do anything . At first I took everything away and still nothing change. He does chores once in awhile. I am alone working two jobs. with six children to raise.

I have a 15 year old daughter, she has been failing school since 6th grade. By the end of the year the teachers enter a grade just high enough to pass her. I have tried everything that I can think of. Read every thing I can get my hands on and tried it all. Nothing works. She has lost all electronics, been grounded and she is in therapy. I am so stressed out over her that I tend to get a bit mean sometimes ( not a good thing and it makes me feel bad ) I am tired at this point and giving up. SHE JUST DOES NOT CARE!!

This is definitely a difficult issue for many parents! You are not alone! When situations get really tough, and the parents have tried all the traditional approaches, it’s often time to get outside help. A family therapist or a local Family Crisis Intervention Unit can work with both the parents and the teen to find a resolution. There is no easy solution, but with patience and professional guidance, it is possible to get to a better place!

I am not alone 🙁

My son is 15 years old. We have enrolled him in the on-campus ROTC program as well as contacted the counselors and all teachers. He is even going to tutoring three times a week after school. He still seems to have no interest in studying or doing his homework. I have addressed all the issues that I think you may have. I have questioned him grounded him and have taken away All Electronics indefinitely. What do you do if this problem has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of school? He has even threatened to quit school. My problem is that I’m the only one that seems to care about his grades. His blatant disregard for his grades is causing me stress and not him. I feel for all parents going through this situation because we can care all day long but until he cares nothing will change

I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Nothing is more difficult than wanting the best for your child, but watching them throw it away. I know you feel helpless, stressed and frustrated. You are not alone – many parents go through this difficulty! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution or perfect answer – every situation and every person is different. However, we highly recommend that you read our previous blog, https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/motivating-a-teen-to-change-destructive-behaviors/ because it addresses many of these issues you are talking about. We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

I am going through the same exact thing. My son is almost 13. The feeling of hopelessness is setting in so fast for me. Like your situation, he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever about failing. I almost wish there was a root cause i can identify with other than “I hate school work”, like a bullying problem, or depression, etc.

We have done all of the above. no results. Its so heart-breaking. The last and only thing he LOVES to do and looks forward to is hockey and we finally took that away last night.

He isn’t a disrespectful kid, he doesn’t act out, he loves to hang out with the family and enjoys having conversations on politics, history and current events. Just hates school work.

Since you posted this, have you tried something different that has given you results? Any suggestion would be so welcomed.

my daugther is the same. Instead of hockey is ballet. I am at my wits end. She is a bright xhild who had all As in the first quarter, then started lowering her grades anf I realized it was because she was not doing her homework. She got 3 Ds in the 3rd quarter on the 3 subjects that she does not like: math and office productivity and the one that she needs to put a little effort. As in the rest because ahe like it. I have taken electronics and let her therapist know. We do have screaming matches and eventually she calms down and understands that she os not doing her work but in 1 or 2 weeks she is at it again. She is a good child, kind and very smart. I have asked during lenghty sensivle conversations why she is not doing her homework and her response is always ‘I don’t know’. She also lies about having finished her homework to get to do something fun and I don’t find out until later. I really don’t kbow what else to do but I don’t want next year to be like this one so I have already told her there will be no extracurricular classes next year if her 4th quarter is like her 3rd but we are 3 weeks into it and she is still not doing her homework.

Your son sounds like my son. He is not disrespectful and a joy to be around. All he cares about his soccer. He is a freshman in high school with low grades (failing algebra..I got him a tutor). He doesn’t care about failing. His attitude is “I’ll take it next year.” What did you do with your son? Please help me help my son.

My step son 13 and a freshman in high school. He just will not do him homework at all… He doesnt miss school but he is failing all classes. Terrible test scores and is down right disrespectful to his teachers peers and to his little brothers too. Tried everything… He doesnt seem to want to anything to help. Any advise?

Our son was adopted, lost his adoptive parents and we are the fourth set of parents he has known. he is partially sighted, has ADHD, and severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Follow the above… It does work… We moved all his electronic devices into different rooms: some rooms give him privacy, some rooms makE sure he has time with us so we keep up with who we are dealing with and we are building a good study pattern for his main exams and we are all getting to know each other much better. The important thing was to take the additive habit of electronic gadgets away. He now does more activities with us and opening up more. We worked together on a ladder chart that you climb as he accomplishes main milestones. If he is unsuccessful we have built in backup options or ways to get there. It has all the things he needs to do to get what he wants and the consequences if he misses a step or two he has backup steps. we got the school involved too and the college we hope he goes to for his choice in his career.

OMG I am living all of these nightmare with my 15 and 12 year old. Just got an email today that my 12 year old had 30 minutes to do an assignment and turned it in blank. WTH

I have the same problem with one of my son’s he just doesn’t care. The last 2 years of middle school he flunked a couple of classes during one semester then turned around a little bit and passed the next semester by a narrow margin. Went to summer school for the flunked classes and since the summer school is all online he completed both classes in a week and a half. This year he is a freshman in high school and he is failing all his classes, except 2 English and ROTC. His dad and I are at our wits end.

I think we should pray for them and encourage ,lets talk to them what they would like to become ,give them time to think and show love to them.

I have the same exact situation as Cat and Pete. My daughter is 14 years old. She has ALWAYS has a problem with homework. And its not just getting it done, its turning it in too. She just doesn’t seem to care. I know its not because she is having issues with the work itself because some of her missing work is for a Health class. This is easy stuff! She loves to read and is very good at it. She scores at a college level. She has to complete a reading log for her English class and she failed it last month because she didn’t complete any of it. And this is something that she IS actually completing. In my eyes, its pure laziness. I have taken away everything you can imagine. Phone, video games, TV privileges and nothing seems to “get to her”. The other day she sat at the kitchen table and literally refused to do any homework. She just sat there and scribbled on a notepad. I don’t know what to do. Im at a loss. Im exhausted from getting emails from all her teachers saying how bad she is doing. I tired of talking with her about it and getting yelled at for it. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Maybe homeschooling her. Or an online school.

I feel the same. Sometimes I just feel like I’m the bad parent. My son is the same. I have so many talks to him and explain to the best of my ability how important it is and I am here to help him. But all he does is continue with what his doing or roll his eyes. Feeling frustrated.

Look like you are just describing my 11 year old daughter, and she is not just refusing to do her homework, but she also refuses to clean her room or help with anything in the house!! she is also very good reader and i´m always pointing on that as a very positive thing!, the teachers wont stop email me at least once at week by 5 teachers its to much to handle for me!! I´m about to be on strikes as a mom.. it´s being more than a year when you write here, did you find the solution?? did your daughter got any better?

Hey Fabs! No unfortunately I have still not found a solution. She is now 15 and a Freshman in high school. She has been failing both Math and Science since the beginning of the school year. She NEVER brings homework home to work on. She never even brings a backpack to school! I am seriously at a loss with her. I just keep telling her now that she is in High School and her grades are more important than ever. If she fails a class, she has to make it up either in the summer or next school year but that doesn’t really seem to faze her. She simply just doesn’t care. She just keeps telling me that its her life and I shouldn’t care. She never does anything around the house and when we do ask her to do something simple, she gets so angry right away. I hate to say it, but she’s just selfish. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and is only nice to us when she wants something. People just keep telling me this is typical teenage behavior but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to deal with.

The comment made by Cat could have been written by me. Our son is exactly this and the same age. The article is good. However, we are not looking at a ‘change’ in behaviour, my son has NEVER done any homework. He just flatly refuses. He gets more and more referrals and then detentions. He just doesn’t seem to care! People say, ‘start with communication’ but he just won’t talk about it. All he says is, ‘I don’t care.’ We have tried homework club where he attends for one hour each week. This worked for a while but then he forgets and then is behind and gets another detention. He ended last year with 180 negative referral points. We were shocked when his 3yrs elder sister received just one. Little did we know what was coming! We have met with his teachers on my occasions. They have been very supportive, but still no result. They don’t have a school councillor as such. We have absolutely no idea how to connect with this child. Any help, from anyone, would be very, very most welcome.

We have a 14 year old 8th grader and nothing seems to work. He starts off each year with a “this year will be different” and then it goes downhill from there with him barely passing. We have tried reward. Didn’t work. This year we have slowly removed electronics until now he’s facing a summer with no electronics of any sort. It doesn’t seem to be working. His teachers complain that he’s not turning in work and spending most of his days staring at the walls. He just says he hates the teachers and the school work but loves seeing his friends at school. At this point in the year he has a B, a C, a D and 3 F’s. Once again, if his grades don’t change he will pass with about a quarter of a grade clearance. My husband contends that just getting harder on him will work. I’m not so sure. I think he’s at the age where he knows what to do, he’s just refusing to do it. He is a good kid otherwise. He’s been offered rewards for doing work but that isn’t working. He enters High School next year and we are not sure what to do. If we spend a lot of money to hire a tutor, which we don’t have the money to do, then there is no way to be sure he’ll even do the work with a tutor and it could be money down the drain. Do we just let him fail while keeping any privileges here at a minimum? At some point he will figure out that the person he is harming is himself, right? I read your article. We have no school counselor to consult. His teachers give homework but short of walking into each classroom with him each day I have no way of making sure he brings it home. I also can’t sit with him in class to make sure he pays any attention or does his work. It’s like he doesn’t believe us when we, or anyone else, tell him that this is harming his future life. Please help if you can.

Hi Cat, This could have been written by me! Has the situation improved one year on? I am at wits end. Like you I’ve tried everything. Please help.

I think this is often a good time to seek advice of a school guidance counselor. fortunately, if you don’t have that option, there are a number of excellent reading resources from well qualified professionals. By far the best I have found is Parents in Highschooland by Karyn Rashoff. http://highschooland.com/ The advice and ideas offered in this book really opened my eyes to a lot of ways that I could get involved to encourage and support my kids though high school. A must-read for parents of high school teens in my eyes.

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Slacker or Genius?

My daughter can get good grades without doing her homework. should i make her do it anyway.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. In addition to our traditional advice, every Thursday we feature an assortment of teachers from across the country answering your education questions. Have a question for our teachers? Email [email protected] or post it in the  Slate Parenting Facebook group .

This week’s Ask a Teacher panel:

Amy Scott , eighth grade, North Carolina Katie Holbrook , high school, Texas Carrie Bauer , middle and high school, New York Matthew Dicks , fifth grade, Connecticut

My daughter is in middle school, and her school’s policy is that homework only counts for 5 percent of a student’s final grade. Since my daughter can maintain A’s and B’s without that 5 percent, she doesn’t ever do her homework. I feel that she is being disrespectful to her teachers by not doing it. I think teachers work hard to plan the lessons. My daughter says if it is important to the teacher, then they’ll assign it as classwork (worth 30 percent), and then she will do it.

Part of me wants to ground her, and part of me says she is in middle school and this is not my place. It would be nice if there were natural consequences, but there aren’t any. Her getting a final grade of 92 vs 97 doesn’t matter, since it’s still an A. I know I would be very frustrated if I was a teacher and my students refused to do any homework I assigned. Sometimes respect for people is more important than good grades. What do you think. Should I just back off?

—Don’t Want to Offend the Teacher

Dear DWtOtT,

A lot of schools are moving toward a policy of reducing the amount and grade weight of homework, and that’s for three reasons. First, teachers generally assign homework to reinforce concepts, raise achievement levels, and promote responsibility, among other things, but there’s conflicting research as to whether it achieves these goals. Second, homework often precludes extracurricular activities, sleep, socializing, and getting bored, all of which contribute to students becoming healthy, well-rounded people. Last, and most importantly, homework creates inequity in grading because students have different levels of support at home. In my second year of teaching, I was tsk-ing a student who usually had his homework done but that day didn’t. He explained that he couldn’t because his family’s power had been turned off, and they had no lights. That was a learning experience for me.

A week ago, I would’ve told you to sit your daughter down and have a conversation about responsibility and integrity. I would’ve said to include the following:

• Part of growing up is learning to do things we don’t want to do, either because it’s required or because not doing it will create a bigger problem in the long run.

• How does she want to know herself—as someone who cuts corners or someone who goes above and beyond?

But … then I read this op-ed in the New York Times about how girls tend to put much more effort into school than boys and worry a lot more about it, and how these traits don’t translate to success in the workplace. I’ve seen this scenario play out so many times in my classroom—boys doing the bare minimum, and girls fretting over every point. I’d never looked at “skating by” as a strength, but of course it is . There are times when “leaving it all on the field” is appropriate, but why exhaust ourselves for minimal marginal gains in situations when it’s not really that important?

So now, instead, I’ll say this: It’s pretty clever of your daughter to figure out that she doesn’t actually need the homework in order to maintain her average, and if she feels OK about it, let her manage that herself.

The only thing she may want to consider is that students often need teacher recommendations to participate in activities and opportunities. Mention that her teachers may say, “She’s smart, but she doesn’t work that hard.” If she doesn’t like the sound of that, she should ask herself what she wants them to say about her, and act accordingly.

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My husband and I live across the country from his 5-year old daughter from a previous marriage. He and his ex-wife have joint legal custody, and my husband has physical custody for all major breaks. Even though we don’t live nearby, we are as involved as possible in her life. This is made more difficult, however, by the fact that my husband has a very high-conflict ex-wife who tries to shut him out as much as possible from major events in his daughter’s life. His ex-wife and I have zero relationship as she actively shows her disdain for me.

My stepdaughter enters kindergarten in the fall, and we’re hoping you can offer us some advice on how to navigate schools and teachers from so far away. Next year, we would like to be involved in parent-teacher conferences and general updates from her teacher, but we don’t want to overstep or make it awkward. When my stepdaughter attended day care, my husband tried to have a biweekly or monthly chat with her teacher, and he remarked that the teacher seemed “cool” to him. He didn’t know if his ex-wife had said something to her about him or if that was the teacher’s nature. He’d like to do what he can to ensure that next year he has open communication with her teacher, and that he receives updates on her progress and is kept in the loop about any concerns in her first year at school.

How does he broach this awkward topic with the teacher? Should he be upfront that he and his ex-wife do not have a good relationship and that while he doesn’t want to put the teacher in the middle, he would like separate communication from them regarding his daughter? How do teachers deal with parents who aren’t together? We are all for any do’s and don’ts as to how to make sure the focus stays on my stepdaughter, and that the custody/divorce situation doesn’t become a burden or distraction for her teachers.

—Concerned Stepmom

Dear Concerned Stepmom,

Divorced parents are very common, so your stepdaughter’s teacher is bound to have experience with your situation. Although you and your husband live in another state, he should still receive all school-issued communication—especially since much of this is online anyway. Not all school districts work the same, but typically when parents register a child for school, they provide both parents’ contact information. He can indicate that he needs newsletters or other communications to be mailed (or emailed) to both addresses. Most schools have websites where families can stay abreast of school news and events, and some are even active on social media. Your husband can probably even join the PTA and get the newsletter.

I’m emphasizing that your husband do these things, since one of your goals is to avoid drama with his ex. I’m sure that you are an important person in your stepdaughter’s life, but if the mother is in fact a “high-conflict” woman who “actively disdains” you, reaching out to the school yourself may only sow the seeds for more conflict.

A biweekly chat might be a bit much for a busy teacher to handle, honestly, but of course your husband should be included in updates on his daughter’s progress. I recommend he email the teacher to explain his geographical location and desire to be involved, but I would not mention anything about conflict with the mother. He should ask the teacher how she communicates with families and request to be included. Some teachers send out newsletters or use classroom apps, for example. For parent-teacher conferences, if he is unable to attend in person, perhaps they can schedule a phone conference, or maybe he could Skype in. These are reasonable requests of the teacher and avoid the ex-wife’s gatekeeping.

I have taught students who are caught in the middle of a contentious divorce. It’s no fun for anyone, especially the children. Your husband can’t control his ex-wife’s behavior, but he can control his own. Keeping all communication professional in tone and centered on his daughter should help your husband build a positive rapport with the teacher and hopefully relieve some residual stress that is bound to impact his daughter.

It might be difficult for you to take a step back on this, but that’s what I recommend you do. You can support your husband behind the scenes and hear all about school from your stepdaughter during her breaks.

Best of luck!

—Ms. Holbrook

My son is a bright third-grader who generally enjoys school. He was very apprehensive about entering third grade and fretted about it for most of the summer because he had been told by other children that he was in the “mean teacher’s class.” We talked about it several times and discussed that some teachers are stricter than others, but that it doesn’t make them mean, and he should really assess for himself how he gets along with “Mr. Jones.”

We have noticed during the year that Mr. Jones is, in fact, stricter than other teachers and quick to temper, but I have no reason to believe that he is intentionally mean or cruel to the students. My son and I have had some conversations about dealing with different personalities, and I consider this a life lesson—you won’t love every teacher.

My concern is that in conversations with the teacher, and on progress reports, Mr. Jones consistently asks that my son participate more in class because he is bright and would help others with his interactions. I’ve talked about this with my son, and while he will raise his hand occasionally, he has taken on a “keep my head down and don’t get in trouble” kind of mentality. He doesn’t like to be reprimanded, and because he is intimidated by this teacher, he doesn’t want to participate and risk drawing more attention to himself.

I feel a little stuck. I want my son to learn how to deal with difficult situations on his own, and while I have encouraged him to participate more, part of me also wants to say something to Mr. Jones. I don’t like that my son is reluctant to participate because he is concerned that it will end in a reprimand. We’re many months into the year, so this can’t just be what kids have told him from last summer… he’s experiencing something in the classroom that makes him feel it would be better to stay silent.

Do I let it go? Do I have a conversation with Mr. Jones and explain my concern? Do teachers care or even want to know that students believe they are the mean ones?

—Not Sure I Should Tattle

Dear NSIST,

It’s hard to get a grasp on Mr. Jones and his approach to classroom management, filtered as he is through your third-grader to you to me. You describe him as stricter than others and “quick to temper,” but at the same time, you don’t believe he’s intentionally mean. You consider your son’s experience in his class a life lesson, yet you don’t like the way this experience is affecting him. Mr. Jones says he’s eager for your son to participate, yet your son is afraid that complying with the teacher’s explicit request will ultimately earn him a reprimand. From what you’ve said, I’m envisioning the type of teacher that others tend to call “old-school” or “gruff,” the type who “runs a tight ship” and “doesn’t tolerate nonsense.” Not abusive, not a tyrant; a competent teacher, but no nurturing teddy bear, either.

To answer one of your questions: Yes, teachers generally do care about how they’re perceived by students, but you’d be hard-pressed to land on a universal agreement of what exactly constitutes a “mean teacher” even among teachers, let alone between teachers and kids. This teacher, if I’m imagining him correctly, probably would not put much stock in that feedback, anyway.

From what you’ve said, it sounds as if your son has already landed on a reasonable coping strategy for this issue. You’re right that it’s not possible for a student to love or even be compatible with every teacher they’ll be paired with in an educational career, and while Mr. Jones is encouraging your son to participate more, your son isn’t actually obligated to do so. Frequently volunteering answers aloud in class is a nice-to-have in student behavior; it’s not a base requirement. If the end result is that your son isn’t a vocal contributor in this classroom because he prefers to minimize his interactions with a teacher he doesn’t much like, and he’s learning and mastering material and continues to generally enjoy school, keeping his head down and flying under the radar sounds like a perfectly workable option for his tenure in Mr. Jones’ classroom.

If this continues to bother you, however, or if Mr. Jones asks again for your son to increase his participation, I think you certainly could reach out and explain that your son has had a hard time adjusting to Mr. Jones’ style of classroom management and that you’re eager to encourage him to volunteer more, but that you’d like to discuss how to make him feel more comfortable and confident in doing so. I also think you could let it go without guilt. From what you’ve said, it sounds like this isn’t a great fit, but that there’s nothing really wrong , and your son has found a strategy that works. Good luck!

What is your opinion of an arts education? My son has attended a private school for the past year that we selected for its small class size. He generally seems to like the school.

The school advertises itself as focusing on “traditional education.” What I’ve come to realize is that they mean an education in the arts. All students do music and a foreign language—serious instrument instruction starts around the third grade. My son comes home with a lot of drawings and first-grade attempts at creative writing. The school puts on two large-scale performances per year, one of which has several public performances.

However, they seem to be slightly light on the sciences. His classroom has two computers, and I don’t get the impression they’re used very often. The math education seems fine, though, and follows a well-known homeschool curriculum.

At a time when it seems like a lot of the country is focusing on STEM, should I be concerned that my son is attending what seems to be an arts academy? We do regular science projects at home, so maybe it will even out, but I’d appreciate an outside opinion.

Arts Education?

Dear Arts Education,

As a teacher who has built a stage in his classroom—complete with lights, curtains, and a sound system—and teaches Shakespeare to his fifth-graders all year long, I might be a little biased when it comes to assessing arts education.

What I can say is this: A strong background in arts education will produce students who are outstanding readers, writers, and thinkers. The arts promote empathy, cooperation, and understanding, and the skills he learns in the arts are transferrable across all subjects. There are enormous benefits to an education steeped in the arts.

That said, math is also critical to a student’s success and should be a priority in every classroom, but it sounds as if there is good curriculum in place for your son to learn. It doesn’t sound like a concern.

When it comes to science and technology, yes, your child’s schoolday may be lacking these components to a certain degree, but your child is in first grade. It’s early. It’s more important for your child to become interested and enthusiastic about science and technology than it is for him to learn about these subjects with any specificity. Ideally some science is taking place in the classroom, but if it’s playing second fiddle to the arts, that’s fine right now. The greatest challenge that a teacher faces is the crunch of time. Every year new material is added to the curriculum, and rarely is anything taken away.

When I was a child, for example, personal computers did not exist, internet safety and evaluating the reliability of sources wasn’t something that needed to be constantly addressed. There were 40 fewer years to study in history class. About 25 fewer countries.

As a result, teachers prioritize, and if your child’s school prioritizes the arts over science, I think it’s fine. By the time your son is in middle school, he’ll be receiving science instruction every day. So continue the projects at home. Take him to museums. Fill your home with nonfiction. Foster a love of science.

The actual learning can come later.

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / Laziness & Motivation

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

By james lehman, msw.

Over the years, many parents have asked me why their kids aren’t motivated and what they can do about it. How can you get your child to be more motivated? To do better in school? To even go to school?

The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated. They’re just motivated to resist you and others when they do not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn their negative motivation into a positive one.

Lack of Motivation is a Form of Resistance

When kids won’t get out of bed, won’t do their homework or school assignments, or won’t get involved in activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist . The motivation is to do things their way, not yours. The motivation is to retain power.

When kids feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch, and withhold overall involvement because it gives her a sense of being in control.

To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have control over what’s going on around him.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

All Kids are Motivated by Something

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do.

So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

Kids Resist Because They Lack Problem-Solving Skills

The child who uses resistance as a form of control lacks both social skills and problem-solving skills.

They don’t have the social skills to know how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, and how to feel comfortable with themselves. Also, they don’t have the problem-solving skills to figure out what people want from them, how to deal with other people’s behavior, and how to meet expectations and demands.

These are basic skills we all have to learn in order to be successful as adults.

If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve problems, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve problems appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids problem-solving skills is to understand that these kids are not helpless victims. Instead, they’re simply trying to solve problems in an ineffective manner.

Don’t Argue or Fight With Your Child About Motivation

Very often these kids are motivated by the power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents, therefore, is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s causing the power struggle.

But if parents don’t have those other ways then the power struggle continues with no end in sight.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth then he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes, or he won’t do his homework.

Understand that when you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving their resisting behavior power. So don’t yell. Don’t argue. Don’t give their resisting behavior power.

I understand that parents get frustrated—that’s normal. And sometimes you will lose your calm, even when you know better.

The point I want to make here is that yelling and fighting won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling and fighting over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Here’s what to do instead.

Be Clear, Calm, and Give Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior

Make the situation clear for the child. Use “I” words. Say the following:

“I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.”

“I want you to do your homework now.”

Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability.

If your child says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore her. She will tell you she doesn’t care just as a way to feel in control. Or, she may not care now, but as consequences get applied consistently, she will eventually see compliance as a better alternative to consequences.

Therefore, give consequences. And don’t worry if the kid doesn’t like it. You are not your child’s friend, you’re their parent.

Related content: Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going

By the way, if your child doesn’t get out of bed, he shouldn’t be doing anything else. He shouldn’t get to play video games. He shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If he’s too sick to go to school, he shouldn’t be going out of the house. These rules should be set and enforced consistently.

Give Effective Consequences

Understanding what is and what is not an effective consequence is critical. The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.

Know that effective consequences are not punishments. Indeed, I say all the time that you can’t punish your child into behaving better.

All parents should read my article on how to give kids consequences that work . And take a look at my sample video from The Complete Guide to Consequences .

Let Your Child Experience Natural Consequences

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let her experience the consequences of her behavior. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to step back and say:

“Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.”

But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say:

“Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want to do your homework during that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games, and you can’t watch TV. If you choose not to do your homework, that’s your choice. And if you fail, that’s your choice too.”

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later.

Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class, and doing homework.

Don’t Forget to Use Rewards

Along with the plan to let her experience the natural consequences of her decisions, build in rewards for success if she does make the right decision.

For example, if my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C, we just didn’t reward it.

So my son eventually strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Be Patient and Persistent

Calmly and consistently using effective consequences is your fastest and best way to get your child motivated. Just be patient and persistent as consequences do their job and your child begins to learn better problem-solving skills. And know that the vast majority of kids come around and get motivated once they are held accountable in a meaningful way.

Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

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About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

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I wish it was this easy. It's not that simple I've read what you wrote here and I don't think you have teenager's because it's eazy as you say

Sandra Sometimes the lack of motivation is a sign of something deeper - fear and shame felt because of failing grades - and so the child enters denial and resistance mode.

Emma Same here. I hate that the school requires the use of the laptop. It is nothing but a distraction and you can't take it away because they need it for school. The closest we've come to a solution is parental control software.

Tracy I have the same situation with my son. Ignores homework or any other responsibilities, bedroom is a disaster. Can't babysit all day, I am a single mom and I work full time. He knows how much this upsets me yet he does nothing to fix it. I take xbox, pc More power cords away, NOTHING motivates this kid.

Dad.com The issue with parents right now is that they have the same issue of all assuming their child’s goal is to fight them and be rebellious. A lot of kids who are struggling right now would love to pass and work hard and get good grades, but there are many More factors such as depression, low self-esteem and confidence, and the reaction, the relationship, and the treatment from the parents that greatly effect a child's motivation and perspective. Stop using punishment as a way to help your kid, use positive re-enforcement, and let then understand that what they’re going through isn’t their fault, they didn’t choose to be depressed, stressed, or have little to no motivation. Try and be helpful and realize that they are the ones carrying more emotional baggage then you can imagine.

Hyporeal Agree with some other comments here re consequences - they made difficult situations much much worse. No tv? She turned it on anyway. Confiscated phone/guitar - ransacked the house & took my keys in order to find them. Eventually, at age 24 she was diagnosed with severe ADHD, & More I realised those consequences would have produced anxiety in her worse than the original requests.

This. I'm already late for work every day (I take him to school) I can't sit at home with him all day every day.

He does have underlying issues (depression, anxiety), but 'nothing works' so he won't even try anything anymore - medication, therapy, exercise.

I'm at my wits' end and it's to the point that by the time he gets dropped off, I'm practically in tears, but have to get it together so that I can go to work and do what I need to do.

Emma Certainly it's important to rule out clinical anxiety and depression. But it appears to me that absolutely everything these days is being blamed on anxiety and depression and we are too quick to medicate and relieve children of their responsibilities.

Melissa382 Thank you for this I hope more parents see this.

Emma Agree 100%.

Janelle383 Maybe your child is depressed or something. You never know what really goes on in a teen’s mind.

Thanks for taking the time to put this article together to support parents. This is something I spend a lot of time also doing. I would love to be able to use your work as a reference for the families I come in contact with. The above article leaves me with a question that I feel would come up if I used it; "If the key is to avoid the power struggle, how do I then avoid the power struggle that would ensue from implementing the consequence?" Many of the struggles people have result from the secondary behaviour that follows the logical (as opposed to natural) consequence implementation. I look forward to hearing your strategies for this next step. Kindest Regards

Emma Same question here. And how can natural consequences work when they are not immediate? A 14-year-old has trouble understanding that missing homework assignments, being lazy with schoolwork, and not studying will impact his future. His immediate natural consequence is lower grades, but what if he doesn't care because he can't More see how this affects him in the future?

Txmomma Yes I have the same issue. In response to a consequence he break things, slams stuff, locks me out screams and yells. He doesn’t care if he gets bad grades. He doesn’t care if he fails or has to repeat a grade.

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• 1. Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going
• 2. How to Motivate Teenagers
• 3. Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says "I Don't Care"
• 4. Life Skills: 5 Tips To Help Your Child Make It in the Real World
• 5. 5 Ways to Help Kids Who Procrastinate
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Some elementary schools are getting rid of homework — and experts say it's OK

Second grade teacher Brandy Young gained national attention in 2016 when a note she wrote to her class parents was posted on social media.

"There will be no formally assigned homework this year... rather, I ask that you spend your evenings doing things that are proven to correlate with student success," she wrote. "Eat dinner as a family, read together, play outside, and get your child to bed early."

Two years later, Young is teaching second grade at a new school, A.G. Elder Elementary School in Joshua, Texas. She is still not assigning formal homework — though she has tweaked her policy a lot, she told TODAY Parents, since she wrote that note.

The no homework policy has worked great, she said, but it has been a learning process for her. Young found out that some of her students really do want homework, for one thing. She will also send work home with a child who needs more practice on a specific skill from time to time, but when she does, she communicates with the parent and sends an answer key to ensure the practice will be effective.

"Also, not assigning homework doesn’t change the fact that the kids who need extra practice the most usually don’t have the necessary support at home," said Young, who has three young boys of her own with her husband Klint. "It’s a battle that educators are used to fighting, and it isn’t going away any time soon."

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Young said her experiences in the classroom for the past two years have only reinforced the idea that effective teaching is all about relationships.

"I want my students to know that I care about them at every second," she said. "I want parents to trust me and let me into their family. I want open communication lines between us so that I can better understand their children and help them succeed."

For that to be possible, Young said, "Student work, regardless of when and where it's done, should be meaningful, engaging, and relevant. No packets ever. Period." Her second grade students approach learning enthusiastically as a result — even at a Title 1 school where nearly 70 percent of the students are eligible for free or reduced lunch prices.

"Kids can conquer mountains when given encouragement, choices, and support!" said Young. "They want and need to be nurtured as a whole child. I believe the no-packet theory supports that effort."

Young was not the first nor the last teacher to implement a classroom policy eliminating homework. In 2017, Marion County, Florida, School Superintendent Dr. Heidi Maier announced she was banning homework for the 31 elementary schools throughout her school district. At the time, Maier said her plan called for "no traditional homework, no work sheets, no endless pages of workbooks. Instead, our children are reading aloud with their parents at least 20 minutes a night.”

A year later, the Ocala Star Banner reported that under pressure from her teachers — 86 percent of whom did not support the ban — and school board members who called the policy "micromanaging" and blamed poor test results in part on it, Maier loosened the guidelines. She is asking that any homework be "meaningful" and not "busy work."

However, Alfie Kohn, author of "The Homework Myth," told TODAY Parents, "It is important to realize that no research has ever found any advantage to any kind of homework before kids are in high school — and newer studies are questioning whether it's necessary even in high school."

Kohn — who has written 14 books covering parenting and education and lectures on those topics at universities, parenting groups, and corporations — is a well-known critic of homework. He said that though some defend the concept of homework as having non-academic advantages like teaching kids responsibility, work habits, or independence, "To the best of my knowledge, not a shred of evidence supports those claims."

What evidence does show, he said, is the disadvantages of homework, some of which parents are already familiar. "It causes frustration, unhappiness, and family conflict; it often makes children less excited about learning and leaves them with less time to pursue other interests and just enjoy their childhoods," he observed.

"But we seem to assume it's worth it to force them to work a 'second shift' after they get home from a full day in school," he said. "We take on faith that the academic benefits must outweigh the substantial costs."

Though many parents support homework, others say they would love for their children's teachers to adopt no-homework policy. Omaha, Nebraska mom Ashley Austrew said she is relieved her first grade daughter has less homework this year than she did in kindergarten.

"Her only homework is whatever she doesn’t get done in class, which I believe is the teacher’s way of saying she doesn’t give homework," she told TODAY Parents. "I am a fan of no homework policies because I think its mostly busy work at this age level and they work hard enough all day."

Julie Burton from Overland Park, Kansas, said she gets annoyed with her fourth grade daughter's math homework even though it is usually just one sheet a night. "If she ever has a question, sometimes we are stumped too," she said. "I feel bad emailing a teacher in the evenings. I’m slightly annoyed at homework in general because I don’t know what the teacher taught."

Kohn said that even small amounts of homework can still be frustrating and damaging to children's attitudes about learning for reasons like Burton's. "The bottom line is that research fails to support the practice of giving any amount or any kind of homework to a 12-year-old, let alone to a 6-year-old," he said. "Making kids unhappy about learning is more likely to undermine than to promote academic excellence."

He encouraged parents to speak up on behalf of their children. "If your child's teacher never assigns homework, take a moment to thank them for doing what's in your child's best interest — and for acknowledging that families, not schools, ought to decide what happens during family time," he added. "If your child is getting homework, organize a bunch of parents to meet with the teacher and administrators — not to ask, 'Why so much?' but, given that the research says it's all pain and no gain, to ask, 'Why is there any?'"

What Will Happen If You Don’t Do Your Homework?

This can be very frustrating and, sometimes, the only way to motivate a student to continue working on their assignments is to promise them that they will do better. This seems to be a viable solution, at least in the short term, because many teachers want to see progress from their students. After all, students get better at work when they are encouraged to do more. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. If you’re finding that your child is giving up on homework, there may be a better approach.

Most people do not realize that what will happen if you don’t do your homework could have far more serious consequences than just having to do it the next day. For example, your grades might suffer or your classwork might not be as valuable as it could be. You could even find yourself with a failing grade or with the wrong grade. This could be especially true if you are teaching special education or English, which requires a great deal more work than most other subjects.

If you know that you are going to face what will happen if you don’t do your homework, try to relax. Take some deep breaths, maybe take a few moments to gather your thoughts. You don’t want to start to panic or get worked up over the fact that you cannot do your work. Instead, concentrate on what you can do to make the situation as easy as possible for you and your student. This will go a long way towards relieving any stress you may be feeling.

What will happen if you don’t do your homework? Your first move should always be to discuss the problem with your student’s teacher. This will go a long way towards getting things back on track. If you do not discuss the matter, then you are likely to face major problems with your student’s results. Of course, if there are extenuating circumstances, such as a parent requiring better grades in a subject or if your child is suffering from a disability, you have to take that into consideration as well. Work with your instructor to come up with a solution that will help everyone.

What will happen if you don’t do your homework? You can still try to do it on your own. Just be sure that you are using a reliable study guide or notebook with detailed instructions. This will make it easier for you to keep track of what you are doing. You also want to make sure that you are taking frequent individualized notes so that you can review what you have learned.

One of the main reasons that people are not doing their homework is that they don’t want to do it. They feel like it is taking too much time and they just don’t want to do it. It is definitely true that some people would rather be doing other things than studying what will happen if you don’t do your homework. However, this isn’t really what you should be focusing on. Instead, you should be trying to find ways to motivate yourself to do it. You can also find ways to avoid putting off your work.

Your last answer to the question “what will happen if you don’t do your homework?” is simple and direct. You will fail. Don’t be discouraged by this fact and keep working on your education. Once you do, you will see just how far you can go.

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Grammar: When to Use Do, Does, and Did

3-minute read

• 12th August 2022

Verbs are essential to creating complete sentences, as they help us express physical actions ( She jumped in the puddle) , mental actions ( He thought about puppies) , and states of being ( I am hungry) .

There are several types of verbs that can each be written in different tenses, so they can be tricky to work with, especially if English isn’t your first language . We’ve put together a guide to help you use one of the most common verbs, do , in your writing . Read on below to learn more!

Action Verbs

As the name suggests, action verbs are used to express actions completed by the subject of a sentence. The base verb do is conjugated according to the tense:

1. Present Tense

In the present tense, do takes the form do or does, depending on the subject:

Consider the following examples:

We do our homework every night.

   She does her homework every night.

2. Past Tense

In the simple past tense , the base verb do takes the form did with all subjects:

   We did our homework last night.

   She did her homework last night.

Auxiliary Verbs

Auxiliary , or helping verbs, are used with another base verb to create negative sentences, questions, or add emphasis. Here’s how do should be used as an auxiliary verb:

1. Negative Sentences

Following the same subject–verb pairings introduced above, we combine the auxiliaries do , does , and did with the adverb not to create negative sentences:

   We do not do our homework every night.

   She did not do her homework last night.

Note that we can combine the auxiliary and the adverb to create the contractions don’t , doesn’t , and didn’t . You simply remove the space between the two words and replace the letter o in not with an apostrophe (’).

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Contractions are more common in conversations and informal writing and typically shouldn’t be used in formal writing (e.g., academic or business).

2. Questions

To create questions, the auxiliary is combined with the infinitive of another verb in this way: auxiliary verb + subject + infinitive verb .

●  Simple present questions:

Do they sell children’s books?

Does he speak English?

Note that the third person verb speaks isn’t spelled with the s when paired with the auxiliary to form a question.

●  Simple past questions:

Did you buy anything at the bookstore?

Did he learn how to speak English?

Note that did indicates the past tense, so the main verbs don’t also take the past tense (i.e., bought and learned ).

3. Emphasis

In positive sentences, we can also combine the auxiliaries do , does , and did with the main verb to emphasize that something is true:

   We do sell children’s books.

   He did learn to speak English.

Try saying these sentences aloud and adding emphasis to the auxiliary terms with your tone. It adds a dramatic effect!

Proofreading and Editing Services

Hopefully, this guide will help you feel more confident when using different forms of the verb do in your writing. If you’re still learning or want to be sure your work is error-free, our editors are ready to help. You can upload a free trial document today to learn more!

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A high school teacher who never assigns homework sparked a debate on TikTok after saying 'there's no proof' it helps her students

• Courtney White is a high school teacher in Alvarado, Texas, who never assigns homework.
• She recently sparked a debate on TikTok after explaining her stance on not assigning homework.
• Some commenters called her "lazy," while others said she was "teacher of the year."
• The English teacher spoke to Insider about why she doesn't think homework works and said that students deserve more time to be a kid. 
• Sign up for our new parenting newsletter Insider Parenting here.

Courtney White, a high school English teacher, wants her students to have time to be a kid.

"I just remember being a student trying to juggle all these things," the 27-year-old teacher in Alvarado, Texas, told Insider.

The list of what her students juggle is extensive: after-school jobs, taking care of siblings, worrying about finding their next meal, sports practice, or band rehearsal

In order to give her students extra time for those tasks, she doesn't assign homework. 

After posting a TikTok video about her philosophy on homework, the teacher sparked a contentious debate on whether homework is a necessity.

The teacher believes that homework doesn't work in her classroom

"There's no proof that homework is going to make them better students in my class," White said in a TikTok video. 

White is in her fourth year of teaching , and she said she's never assigned homework. In conversations with students, she told Insider that she's heard that homework isn't always a valuable tool. 

"If you talk to kids, they'll tell you, 'Oh, I Googled it' or 'Oh, I got the answers from a friend' or 'I didn't have time because I was doing 800 other things I should be doing instead of being a kid,'" she told Insider. "If it wasn't going to be done meaningfully at home, then it really is not serving its true purpose."

Instead, she focuses on time inside the classroom. She said she's constantly assessing her students to make sure she's teaching effectively and they're grasping the concepts. 

@cmw1129 Students do enough work at school, they don’t need more at home! ##teachersoftiktok ##letmeintroducemyself ##fyp ##AirheadsDitchChallenge ##TimeforTENET ♬ original sound - iAmJordi

While White doesn't assign homework, she told Insider that if a student wants more practice, she'll send them home with optional work.

If they want extra tutoring, she'll meet with them to review concepts.

And if a student doesn't finish their work in class, it will go home — but that hasn't happened yet, she said.

White added that it's her decision as an educator to not assign homework. Her students are still going home with homework from different classes.

"Education is not just a one-size-fits-all," she said. 

The teacher posted a lighthearted video about not assigning homework, but she was surprised by the negative feedback

When White uploaded the first TikTok video about not assigning homework, she said she initially didn't think much before posting it.

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Then negative comments started coming in. 

"Isn't homework practice to make sure they're actually learning?" one user questioned. White said others commented that she was "lazy" and that she was "not preparing her students for the real world." However, she said she deleted some of the negative comments to keep her platform positive. 

"I was shocked that people were giving negative reactions to it because in my mind everyone would be like, 'Yeah! No homework,'" she told Insider.

She responded to the negative comments with a video that quickly garnered over 4.5 million views.

@cmw1129 Reply to @tafgarcia Me not assigning homework, doesn’t make me any less of a teacher. My kids show me mastery of content in class. ##teachersoftiktok ♬ original sound - Courtney 💕

"Some of them are going home and taking care of their younger siblings because their parents are at work. Some of them just need to go home and sleep. Some of them have to go home and worry about how they're going to eat because there's no food at their house," White said in the video.

"So, if I also give them hours of homework, when do they have time to be kids? When do they have time to relax? Because when you get off of work, you want to go home and relax," she said.

White told Insider that she was feeling mad and agitated when she made the second TikTok video.

"I knew these were comments that were coming from people who are not in education, who have no idea what teachers are doing or what students are going through," she told Insider. "It's so hard for me not to jump and defend myself and defend my students."

With the negative feedback came uplifting comments, too

After White posted the video, some students, families, and other teachers also commented in support of White's philosophy.

@cmw1129 Reply to @officialhawks0 the positivity is really appreciated! I really do love my job and I’m trying me best to make sure my students succeed in life. 💕 ♬ original sound - Courtney 💕

Positive responses quickly flooded the comment section. "Teacher of the year," someone wrote. Another user commented, "we need more teachers like you."

Additionally, White told Insider that a handful of parents found her on Instagram and left meaningful words of encouragement.

So far, she said her favorite moment this school year was receiving an email from a student's mother. The student had switched from in-person to virtual learning and was no longer in White's classroom.

The mother shared that her son "felt like he was cared for in my class, and not just that he was another student." 

"It made me cry," White said. 

White wants to remind everyone that e ducation is not just a one-size-fits-all scenario

White told Insider that she hopes everyone can take a step back and realize what students, teachers, and families are going through right now . 

You may not agree with my teaching philosophies and THAT’S OKAY! Teaching methods change from class to class. What works for one kid on one day, won’t work the next day. Teachers are flexible, understanding, and make adjustments constantly. Education has changed so much over the last 20 years and I refuse to not change with the times. Mental health of my students is a top priority so if not assigning homework makes me “lazy” or a “bad teacher” to complete strangers, so be it. The ones close to me see how hard I work. 🖤 #supportteachers A post shared by Courtney White. 💕✨🌵 (@teachingwithmrswhite) on Oct 14, 2020 at 6:25pm PDT Oct 14, 2020 at 6:25pm PDT

At the end of the day, she said it's about, "being able to find something that works for your students, so you can advocate for them, stand up for them to make sure that their voices are heard and that they're mentally OK every day." 

In the meantime, she doesn't plan to assign homework anytime soon. 

"They're 14 and 15 years old — they need time to be kids," she told Insider.

If you're a teacher, student, or parent who wants to share their story on what it's like to go back to school right now, get in touch at  [email protected] .

• TikTokers in college are turning on their cameras in Zoom lectures so their professors don't have to teach to blank screens
• From a shark costume to a grammar Grandma, teachers are sharing TikTok videos that show how much energy is required to engage students during virtual classes
• Inside teachers' first week back in US classrooms: Nerves, disorganization, and exhaustion

Watch: How this art teacher developed an innovative method to create realistic hand-printed portraits

• Main content

When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!

Do you have a homeschooler who  refuses  to do their work?

Are your school days laced with frustration, pleading, anger, and tantrums – from both parent and child?

Is your kid slipping further and further beneath their potential because of their stubbornness?

Are you at your wit’s end?

Let me tell you, you are not alone!

I have had my own struggles with my 3 girls, and I have received emails from some pretty broken, frustrated homeschool moms too. 

I have written a couple of posts on how to motivate a homeschooler and whether bribing is every appropriate in homeschooling ….but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed the issue of what to do with a supremely stubborn child.

The homeschooler who won’t do school work no matter what “reward” is waiting for them. 

If you are in a daily battle of the wills with your homeschooler, you are in the right place. 

Get some coffee, and I’m going to show you how you can and will regain control of your homeschool and raise a child who loves learning! 

How to Deal With A Homeschool Kid Who Refuses To Do Any Work

1. Really Stop and Think. Dig Deep.

I don’t believe there is a “ one size fits all ” reason for why a kid continually and stubbornly refuses their homeschool work.

For that reason, you really need to sit down and think about what is truly causing the friction you are experiencing every day.

If you identify and correct these issues, it could make a world of difference in your homeschool!

To get your mind rolling, think through each of the below points and see if they apply to your homeschooler:

– Are you an angry homeschool mom?

No judgment over here. I have been there!

How would you feel if a teacher in a classroom treated your child the way that you do?

If you felt a pang of conviction there, please read my post on How to Stop Being an Angry Homeschool Mom . 

It gives practical tips that I have learned over the year to stop being impatient and angry with the 3 kids I love the most in the world. 

– Is the curriculum you’re using appropriate?

I am not one to say that you should run out and buy new curriculum every time your kid gets grumpy about school. But if your child is continually fighting you day after day, it may be worth it to try a different curriculum. 

I had one kid that went from slugging through math every day with a sour face to exclaiming, “Thank you, mommy! Thank you, mommy, for being this curriculum! I’m good at math!” 

All I did was switch out the curriculum and it made a shocking change in my child and our homeschool.

If you think this is the boat you’re in, read When to Switch Up the Curriculum .

– Is your child frustrated with new material?

Many kids fly through the early years of school and everything just clicks for them. People always remark about how smart they are.

Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

Inevitably though, these kids will hit material that is a challenge for them – it doesn’t come easily.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Instead of facing the challenge head-on, your homeschooler refuses to do it at all, so they won’t be seen as a failure. 

“Everyone says I’m smart. I don’t get this stuff though! Am I not smart anymore??”

I have had more than one kid like this. 

Here is how I handle it:

Pull the kid up into your lap, look them in the eye, and say with soft eyes, “We have a long stretch of years ahead of us where I will be teaching you. There will be lots of new material like this. You don’t know everything. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? I had to work really hard to learn {fill in the blank}. It was tough for me! I know this material is a challenge for you and you don’t like that, but let me tell you the truth about really smart people – they work hard . Smart people dig in and keep going even when it’s tough. Smart people don’t quit. You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.”

From this point on, praise your child for how hard they work, not for how smart they are.  

– Is your child under social stress? Dealing with depression?

Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling. 

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter ! 

Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends?

What can you do to meet those very real needs?

Check out my post – The Secret Strategy for Helping your Homeschooler Make Friends – to help your kid out.

More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school.

If you think this could be an issue, there would be no harm in a doctor’s visit or seeing a counselor to help your child address the issue. 

– Are you pushing too hard?

This was 100% me in my first year of homeschooling. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader. 

I would tell her that she didn’t really need those manipulatives to do her math problem – couldn’t she just remember the answer?

The truth was, I was asking her to do things that were beyond her grade and development level – no wonder she wasn’t loving school!

I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her. 

Are your expectations too high?

Are your school days way too long?

Do you push your kid because you want to validate yourself and your decision to homeschool?

– Are you having fun?

School, especially homeschool, should be fun. If you’re not having fun, why is that?

What can you change about your homeschool to make it more engaging and interesting for your kid?

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on – check out that homeschool hack here .

Maybe you need a new read-aloud book. 

Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P.E.

Find exciting Youtube videos that match up with your lesson. 

Be flexible, and incorporate the things your child is interested in into your lessons.

I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time.

She was so excited for school to start every morning!

Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool. If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on.

2. Lift Your Kid’s Eyes to the Future

Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system.  Sit down with them and talk about their future (not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way). 

What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college?

My oldest daughter (7 or 8 years old at the time) flat out refused to do math at one point. I took the time to gently show her that just about any job (and many basic life skills) requires an understanding of math. This is true of all core curriculum too!

We went online and looked up some good colleges that had programs she was interested in. We watched videos for prospective students and even looked at some of the college housing pages.

It all looked really cool and my daughter was very interested!

I told her that there is an end goal to school. There is a reason for what we do day in and day out – and that is to open every possible door for her. I want her to have her pick of colleges when the time comes. I want her to be prepared and to excel .

I want her to soar when she leaves my house and be anything she wants to be. 

But for that to happen, she has to apply herself in school. Kids that don’t do well in school, don’t have as many options and opportunities as kids who did apply themselves.

No matter the age your kid is, it doesn’t hurt to lovingly lift their child’s eyes to look at the long-term goal.

Make sure they know that all your efforts come from a desire to see them succeed in life!

3.  Introduce a Bookend Reward System

After discussing the future and the importance of school with your resistant homeschooler, introduce a Bookend Reward System.

That means that when they finish school in a reasonable amount of time, with a good attitude  – there will be a reward.

Now this reward must be something that you don’t mind giving out and they really want . It could be increased screentime, a sticker chart that helps them earn something bigger, a later bedtime, special treat, etc.

If your child fails to meet that standard (due to a bad attitude, not because they were actually struggling with the material) there will be a consequence.

The consequence should be something they really don’t want and you don’t mind doing. It could be a loss of screen time, taking away a favorite toy, putting their tablet in timeout for 24 hours, etc.

If you’re not sure what your consequence should be, think about the thing your kid would always rather do than schoolwork. Then take that thing away as the consequence. 

It’s important to communicate this “bookend” system with great love and concern . You are not angry – you love your homeschooler and you want to help motivate them to reach their true potential.

Every day they have a chance to either earn something positive…or experience an immediate negative consequence.

You are no longer in a daily power struggle over schoolwork.

They pick every day what they want to experience.

They are in the driver’s seat. 

4. Consistency is the Name of the Game

It is one thing to introduce the Bookend Reward system to your homeschooler who resues to do their work…and it is any entirely different thing to actually follow through with it. 

This system will absolutely fail  if you do not convince your child that you are serious. 

You must always follow through with what you said you would do.

Whenever you have to administer consequences, be firm, but kind .

Tell them you are so sorry they made this choice and you were really hoping they would choose differently.

Do not give second chances . That sounds harsh, but they need to learn what the standard is – and that is school completed on time with a good attitude.

There is no room for tantrums, ugly words, or refusing to be work. You will no longer beg them to do their work.  

When they choose the positive path – go nuts! Celebrate them to the point that they roll their eyes and say you’re embarrassing them!

Delight in the reward they receive and make a big deal about it at the dinner table. 

*****If you think your kid really struggles with connecting their actions to how the day plays out, I highly recommend getting the book “ What Should Danny Do? ” and “ What Should Darla Do? ”

These are fantastic “choose your own adventure” books that allow your kid to actually choose what decisions Danny and Darla make throughout the day. They get to see how the day changes based on the decisions they make!

My own kids have benefited so much from these books and now respect their own “Power to Choose.”

But What if This Doesn’t Work and My Homeschool Still Won’t Do Their Work?

If you find that your kid still doesn’t care about the reward you’re offering and the consequence for not meeting the standard…I would tell you revisit the questions in the first point of this post and rethink what the reward and consequence are.

Whatever you have picked is not getting the job done.

Do not be afraid to sit down and ask your child what would motivate them. You might be surprised what they will tell you their consequence should be! 

Find the right pressure points and stay consistent with a loving and firm hand. 

How to Prevent Raising a Homeschooler Who Won’t Do Schoolwork

Did you read this article out of fear, not because you are actually experiencing a homeschool kid who refuses schoolwork?

Do you want to be prepared for what the future might hold?

If this is you, then I want to give you some points to avoid getting in the situations this article talks about. 

Your homeschooler may love school right now. They may relish every read-aloud book, worksheet, and project…but that attitude will likely not last. 

Mountains and valleys are extremely normal in education.

You just need to be ready.

I would strongly recommend following these steps to prevent raising a homeschooler who won’t do school work:

1. Make “fun” a central value of your homeschool. Don’t skip the cool things because you think you don’t have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they’ll be learning tomorrow!

2. use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don’t “need” one right now. it will help on days that your kid is a little sluggish – don’t we all have those days, 3. when and if your kid gives you an inappropriate attitude about school work, nip it in the bud quickly. make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. do not yell or get angry, just state that your job is to teach – not to beg them to do school. i have even sent my kids to their rooms and told them they have lost the privilege of doing school – which also means they lost their reward for the day., recap when your homeschooler refuses to do homeschool work.

You can absolutely change the path your homeschool is on – I have no doubt. 

Remember to address those initial questions about your homeschool with brutal honesty, talk to your kid about what their future holds, introduce the Bookend Rewards System , and follow through with it! 

You can do this!

And your children will be so blessed by your efforts, Homeschool Mama.

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• ngvana2712 - 09:56:24 13/07/2022

5. She doesn't want to do her homework She doesn't feel like ....................................................................... ...................................... 6. Taking some medicine is good for you now. It's ..................................................................................... ................................................... 7. It's not good idea to go out in the rain It's better to avoid ...................................................................... .......................................... 8. I expect that she will give me some advise. I expect her ..................................................................... ..................................................... 9. I remember someone giving me some money I remember being ................................................................... ............................................ 10. Could you close the window? Would you mind .......................................................................................... .......................

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• Mathematical Society

5. She doesn't feel like doing her homework

- feel like doing s.th =  want to do s.th: muốn

6. It's good for you to take some medicine now

- Doing s.th + tobe + adj + for s.one = It + tobe + adj + for s.one + to do s.th: Như thế nào cho ai làm gì

7. It's better to avoid going out in the rain

- avoid doing s.th: tránh làm gì

8. I expect her advise will be given to me 

- Bị động 2 tân ngữ: S + V + O1 + O2 

=> S (là O2) + tobe Vp.p + giới từ + O1

=> S (là O1) + tobe Vp.p + O2

- give to s.one: đưa cho ai

9. I remember being given some money 

- Bị động với V_ing: S + V + O + V_ing

=> S + V + O + being + Vp.p 

- Someone tương ứng với O, mà someone được lược đi trong câu BĐ nên ta không thấy someone trong này

10. Would you mind closing the window?

- Would you mind doing s.th?: Bạn có phiền nếu làm gì

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An Arizona lawmaker announced she was getting an abortion. Here's what happened next

Wayne Schutsky

Since announcing her pregnancy and plans for an abortion, Arizona state Sen. Eva Burch has undergone the medical procedure and continues her work in the state Senate, where she hopes her story will change hearts and minds. Ross D. Franklin/AP hide caption

Since announcing her pregnancy and plans for an abortion, Arizona state Sen. Eva Burch has undergone the medical procedure and continues her work in the state Senate, where she hopes her story will change hearts and minds.

For the first 25 minutes, the Arizona Senate's floor session on March 18th was unremarkable.

Then, state Sen. Eva Burch stood up and announced to her colleagues that she was pregnant, and planned to get an abortion.

Detailing a deeply personal medical history of past miscarriages, Burch told her fellow lawmakers that she made the decision to seek an abortion after discovering that her fetus is not viable.

"I don't think people should have to justify their abortions," Burch, a Democrat, told the chamber.

"But I'm choosing to talk about why I made this decision, because I want us to be able to have meaningful conversations about the reality of how the work that we do in this body impacts people in the real world," she said, in reference to the state's 15-week abortion ban, passed in 2022.

First hand experience of Arizona's abortion laws, before and after Roe

It's not the first time Burch has spoken publicly about the topic — in the past, the lawmaker has openly talked an abortion she received in 2022, before taking office.

That time, Burch says, she also had a non-viable pregnancy, and began to miscarry the night before a scheduled abortion. She says she went to a hospital, where she was unable to obtain an emergency abortion.

"I had been bleeding and passing huge clots for hours, but I wasn't bleeding out, and I was still pregnant," Burch remembers. "So I was offered medication to make me start bleeding again and told that I could have a procedure when I had bled enough."

She did receive abortion services the next day — two weeks before clinics in Arizona began to shut down following the U.S. Supreme Court's Dobbs decision , which overturned Roe v Wade .

This time, Burch had to contend with the new abortion regulations passed by the state in the wake of the Dobbs decision, which she says made finding and obtaining care even more difficult and drawn-out.

Burch, who is also a nurse practitioner, says the current law requires her provider to give a list of "absolute disinformation" as well as what Burch describes as an "unnecessary" ultrasound, plus counseling designed to change the minds of patients with viable pregnancies.

"I was told that I could choose adoption; I was told that I could choose parenting, which were two things that I couldn't choose," Burch said. "And it was cruel to suggest that that was an option for me when it's not."

Arizona's dueling abortion laws create an uncertain future

Arizona currently has two conflicting abortion bans on the books: a near-complete ban that dates back to the 1860s , and a 15-week ban passed by Republican legislators in 2022. The case is now pending before the state Supreme Court.

For now, doctors can perform an abortion after 15 weeks in a medical emergency, according to the Arizona Attorney General's office .

Abortion rights advocates rally at the Tucson Federal Courthouse in 2022. The state Supreme Court is deciding whether a 15-week ban or a near-total ban which dates back to the Civil War should be the state's enforceable abortion law. SANDY HUFFAKER/AFP via Getty Images hide caption

Abortion rights advocates rally at the Tucson Federal Courthouse in 2022. The state Supreme Court is deciding whether a 15-week ban or a near-total ban which dates back to the Civil War should be the state's enforceable abortion law.

Dr. Jill Gibson, the chief medical officer with Planned Parenthood Arizona, says those mandatory talking points that Burch was subjected to before her procedure are part of a script providers are required to recite under the current Arizona law.

She hopes Burch's openness will dispel misconceptions about who is seeking abortion care.

"I do absolutely agree that people have a misconception and judgments about people who have abortions but the reality is that one in four people with reproductive potential will have an abortion during their lifetime," says Dr. Gibson.

Burch hopes her story has impact, but doesn't expect to change many minds

There are no bills about abortion currently before the state Senate, so Burch's story won't have an immediate effect on legislation. And Burch says she doesn't have high expectations that her story would change the minds of people on the other side of the aisle "who are very passionately against abortion."

But her testimony had an effect on at least one Republican lawmaker.

"Her story points out that there are aspects of those statutes that get in the way of reasonable care for some people," says Sen. Ken Bennett, who lists "protect unborn life" on his campaign website as a priority.

Bennett was quick to say Burch didn't convince him that abortion should be legal in all circumstances, but says there is a conversation to be had about where lawmakers should draw the line.

"Somewhere between heartbeat and viability, there needs to be some flexibility for people to make decisions on their care," Bennett says, but added that he does not think abortion should be used as "birth control."

Arizona voters could decide the future of abortion access this fall

Burch believes lawmakers should not be involved in decisions about abortion at all — and she believes most Arizonans agree with her. A poll of voters conducted in 2022 months after the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision found that around 90% of voters believed abortion should be legal "in some way, shape or form."

A next big ballot fight over abortion could come to Arizona

And a campaign is underway to put abortion rights before voters this November, through a referendum vote that will decide whether to enshrine the right to abortion in the state Constitution. Abortion advocates have about three more months to collect the nearly 400,000 signatures they need to get the measure on the ballot.

Arizona is one of at least a dozen states with abortion amendment initiatives underway, and of the six states which have already put the question before voters, all have gotten the votes to amend their state constitutions.

Dear Abby: As she ‘works on our marriage,’ wife won’t talk to me

She walks out on husband after 28 years, and he’s not sure how to bring her back..

DEAR ABBY: After 28 years, my wife left me "to find herself." She says she doesn't want a divorce; she just needs time and space to work on herself, but she also wants to work on our marriage. She doesn't want to talk, text or contact me.

My question is, how are we supposed to work on our marriage with no contact? What am I supposed to do? I love her, but she's avoiding me and everyone else, including her friends and family. All she wants to do is work and be alone in her apartment. — LONELY IN THE EAST

DEAR LONELY: When you asked how your wife plans to work on your marriage if you aren't seeing each other or communicating (or utilizing marriage counseling), you asked a pertinent question. She cannot have it both ways, nor does she seem open to repairing what drove her to leave your marriage.

Ask if she is interested in counseling. If she isn't, PLEASE get a referral to a therapist for emotional support for yourself right now. If you do, you will more quickly be able to figure out what your next steps should be.

DEAR ABBY: Two of my children contracted pink eye. We were assured by the doctor that after being on antibiotics for 24 hours, they would no longer be contagious. Feeling reassured, we isolated them for 24 hours and went about our plans to visit family as originally scheduled.

I later learned that a few days after we left, three of my nephews, whom my sons played with often, all came down with pink eye. I have apologized, but I still feel guilty. We did everything the doctors recommended, yet we still gave it to others. Is there anything else I can do to make up for it? — PINK WITH GUILT

DEAR PINK: A large box of chocolates might sweeten the bitter aftertaste of your visit to that family. Or, go online and search for "Ice Cream of the Month Club." If you do, you will find several companies that guarantee frozen deliveries nationwide. Include a message on the card, "Apologies for the pink eye." (And be sure one of the flavors is strawberry to reinforce your sentiments.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old boy living with my parents. Due to religious constraints, I was not going to be allowed to date until I turned 16. That policy has recently changed, although my parents are still holding me to it.

My problem is, there's this girl. She's my sister's best friend. I met her when she came to hang out with my sister. I'm afraid if I wait, she'll fall out of my life. Also, I am afraid that it will be awkward with my sister. What should I do? — LOVESICK IN UTAH

DEAR LOVESICK: Your parents are enforcing those rules and, at least for now, you need to abide by them. If this girl is friendly with your sister, she's not going to drop out of your life. That's why, if you are as smart as I think you are, you will make an effort to simply be "friends" with her. Just friends. If you do, as you get to know each other better, you may form a more lasting relationship than if you were to make a move on her now. I wish you luck.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Sarah Jessica Parker says she doesn't limit what her kids eat

Sarah Jessica Parker opened up this week about not limiting what her children eat in an effort to help them build a healthy relationship with food .

In a podcast interview Monday, Parker said she doesn't stop her children from eating sugary foods , despite growing up in a household that did.

The actress spoke to The River Café chef and host Ruthie Rogers in a new "Ruthie's Table 4" podcast episode about her own experience as a young girl and how it inspired her to take a different path as a parent.

"When I was growing up, we weren't allowed sugar in the house, and we weren't allowed cookies, and we weren't allowed chocolate," Parker, 59, said. "And of course, all we did, the minute we moved out, was buy Entenmann's cakes and cookies."

MORE: How 'scarcity brain' impacts food cravings and diet

"So in our house, we have cookies, we have cake. We have everything," Parker said of what she has at home nowadays. "And I think as a result, you kind of have a healthier relationship."

Parker told Rogers and the live audience in attendance at the podcast episode recording in London that she wants her children -- son James, 21, and especially her 14-year-old twin daughters Tabitha and Marion -- to determine their own relationships with food and not control what they can and can't eat.

"When I had girls, I didn't want them to have a relationship with food that was antagonistic, or they felt like this was their enemy and that they were going to have to sort of, like, stake out a position with food," Parker said.

MORE: New study warns young children may be susceptible to eating disorders

The actress, who is currently starring in the West End production of "Plaza Suite" in London alongside her husband, actor Matthew Broderick , said she herself had not wanted to limit her own diet choices throughout the years.

"I never was very disciplined about it. I just wasn't," she said. "I think I'm not really good at denying myself something, and I think also, I was a dancer for so long and running around, so I was able to be that way. It's certainly not the same now."

The mom of three said she hopes her kids won't feel deprived in any way when it comes to food and their body image.

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"My daughters will have the figures they have and hopefully they'll be healthy," she said. "They're athletes and they enjoy food and they have different palates, and you can't make someone like something they don't like or want."

She added, "I hope that they can maintain their affection for the experience and their delight in taste and find their own ways to have that be healthy for them."

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Kris Jenner Said That She Can’t Afford To Take All 13 Of Her Grandkids Out To Dinner After She Made This Seriously Wild Promise To 14-Year-Old Mason Disick

Kris just explained why she doesn’t have the time or money to have one-to-ones with her grandchildren.

BuzzFeed Staff

Last month, the Kardashian-Jenners faced speculation that they are secretly “ desperate for money " after the family’s two billionaires, Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner, were caught in compromising situations.

It all started when people noticed that Kim Kardashian was trying to sell her “dirty” Birkin handbag to fans for $70,000 on the family’s resale site, Kardashian Kloset.

The Hermès purse was described as being in “good condition,” but potential buyers were warned that there was “some discoloration on handles and underside bottom corners, and minor scratching on metal” of the alligator leather bag, which was incredibly noticeable in the accompanying photographs.

In fact, the cream leather handles were visibly stained brown, and Kim’s attempted cash grab was called out online as people questioned why a billionaire would even try to sell their second-hand items — let alone items that were in such poor condition.

And just days after Kim’s Birkin circulated online, her little sister Kylie found herself at the center of the discourse after a small business owner exposed her alleged experience with an event planning company that was working on Kylie’s behalf.

The business owner claimed that the opportunity to make a bespoke cake for Kylie’s event was suddenly revoked because Kylie apparently didn’t have "the budget" to proceed with an order.

And now family matriarch Kris Jenner — who has an estimated net worth of $170 million — has joked that she would go “broke” if she spent one-on-one time with each of her 13 grandchildren.

Kris’s children’s children range from four months to 14 years old, and she has previously revealed that they call her “Lovey.”

And she reflected on her role in their lives at Los Angeles Magazine’s LA Women’s Luncheon last week, where she admitted that spending quality time with them all simply isn't feasible.

“I often say to myself that I really should be the kind of grandmother that takes my grandchild to dinner, like once a month,” Kris began. “Like, really get to know your grandchild and see what's happening in school and all this stuff.”

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She then pointed out: “And I thought if I did that, that would take half a month — just to go out to dinner with my grandkids! And I am like, nope, not going to do that! They're not getting that out of me ."

Kris then admitted that her decision to keep a distance between herself and her grandkids was validated when she took her oldest grandchild, Mason, to dinner recently.

Mason is Kourtney Kardashian Barker’s son, who she shares with her ex, Scott Disick .

Speaking at the luncheon, Kris confessed that after having an alcoholic drink, she ended up promising to buy the teen a car if he avoided drugs and alcohol until he turned 16.

“I think I did make a little mistake because I took Mason out to dinner, and I was in a really good mood,” Kris recalled. “I probably had a vodka or something, I don't know, I wasn't driving. But we met at dinner because he likes to go have sushi and I was like: ‘Listen, if you don't drink or do drugs until you're 16, and you can prove it – you know, it involves testing and all sorts of stuff – I will buy you a car for your 16th birthday.’”

Highlighting the issue with this promise, Kris explained: “He loved that, and what I realized is that I have to do that 13 times. I'm going broke — 13 times!”

Kris went on to say that despite not spending one-on-one time with the kids, she does value seeing them most days and will count how many she managed to spend time with before she goes to sleep.

“My little thing, at the end of the day, when I am getting ready for bed, I say: ‘How many of my grandkids did I get to see today?’ And that’s really a thing I do every single day. I count,” she said. “Yesterday, I was at Kim’s office and some of my grandchildren came in and they were walking by and I’m like: ‘Hold on one, two,’ trying to count to see how far I get. But it’s my thing. I love it; it makes me very happy.”

If you’re wondering, Kris’s grandchildren are Kourtney’s three children with Scott: Mason, 11-year-old Penelope, and eight-year-old Reign, as well as her four-month-old son Rocky, who she shares with her husband, Travis Barker .

Kim has four children with her ex Kanye West : 10-year-old North, eight-year-old Saint, six-year-old Chicago, and four-year-old Psalm, while Khloé Kardashian shares two children with her ex Tristan Thompson: five-year-old True, and 19-month-old Tatum.

Rob Kardashian has a seven-year-old daughter, Dream, who he shares with his ex, Blac Chyna. Finally, Kylie is mom to six-year-old Stormi and two-year-old Aire, who she shares with her ex, Travis Scott. 

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LSU's Angel Reese reminds people she's human, which is more than the trolls can say

Lsu's angel reese has been subjected to a year's worth of criticism. all for playing the game she loves and trying to have some fun while doing it..

ALBANY, N.Y. — It comes with a price, this veneer of toughness and brashness that Angel Reese has fashioned.

She hears the slights and sees the not-remotely-veiled slurs and she squashes them away, hiding the hurt in a little corner of her soul because she recognizes this is bigger than she is. She smiles and pretends she’s above it all because she knows there are little Black girls and young Black women who are watching her and thinking if Angel Reese can be authentic and unapologetic, they can be, too.

But it hurts, and it’s left Reese with scars as real as any she’s ever gotten on the basketball court. The pain from Monday night’s loss to Iowa in the Elite Eight was exacerbated by knowing the vitriol that was sure to follow.

“I don't really get to stand up for myself," she said after the game, her voice thick with pain when she was asked her reaction to the unbidden defense of her character by two teammates, Flau’jae Johnson and Hailey Van Lith.

“I don't really get to speak out on things because I just ignore. I just try to stand strong. I've been through so much. I've seen so much. I've been attacked so many times — death threats, I've been sexualized, I've been threatened. I've been so many things and I've stood strong every single time.”

FOLLOW THE MADNESS: NCAA basketball bracket, scores, schedules, teams and more.

Think about that. A 21-year-old getting death threats and hate simply for being herself. Why? Because she’s Black? A woman? Both? Is it because she’s confident and not afraid to show it? Or that she knows her worth and refuses to accept anything less than it?

What could possibly enrage the keyboard warriors so much they feel the need to direct their particularly toxic brew of racism and misogyny at her? Entitled people who don’t know her to act as if they do, passing judgment and condemnation on her?

Celebrity has been Reese’s constant companion since last year’s Final Four. But so, too, is the hate.

Reese is not making a plea for sympathy. Johnson and Van Lith volunteered their support for her, and she was asked for her reaction.

But the vulnerability she showed is a reminder how much of our humanity we’ve lost and the cost that comes as a result.

“I think Angel is one of the toughest people I've been around,” Van Lith, who is white, said. “People speak hate into her life. I've never seen people wish bad things on someone as much as her, and it does not affect her. She comes to practice every day. She lives her life every day. She lives how she wants to live, and she don't let nobody change that.

“That's the key to life right there. Y'all do not get to her. Let me say it again. Y'all do not get to Angel Reese. So you might want to throw the towel in because you're wasting your energy.”

If you don’t acknowledge that race is the overarching factor in all of this, you’re in denial.

Reese is savvy enough to recognize that sports are as much about entertainment as they are athletic skill, and fully embraced her role in the show. She’s as prodigious a trash-talker as she is a rebounder, and the enduring image from both of the NCAA's tournaments last year is Reese waving her ring finger at Caitlin Clark at the end of LSU’s win over Iowa in the national championship game.

It was never personal. Reese was just doing what basketball players, male and female, have been doing since the game began. Doing what Clark herself had done .

But when Clark did it, she was celebrated .

When Reese did it, she was not.

“I don't fit in a box that y'all want me to be in. I'm too hood. I'm too ghetto,” Reese said after last year’s title game.

She was willing to play the part, however, because she believes it’s for a greater good.

Like Clark, Reese is a star in this constellation of young women who are turning sport and society on its head. At the most basic level, they are driving interest in women’s sports and making people give female athletes the respect and recognition they’ve too long been denied.

But Reese carries the additional burden of representation for young Black women. By owning her talents and success, Reese is showing those young women it’s OK to express themselves. To be proud of who they are and not back down to anyone, on the basketball court or off.

“The crown she wears is heavy,” Johnson said. “She's the type of teammate that's going to make you believe in yourself. The leap that I took to my freshman to sophomore year? Angel gave me that confidence.”

Reese sniffled and cried quietly as Johnson and Van Lith spoke passionately on her behalf. She’s tried to shield everyone else, both those who see her up close and those who watch her from afar, from the crap that’s become a constant part of her existence.

But she can no longer hide the obvious. Before LSU’s game against UCLA in the Sweet 16, the Los Angeles Times published a column dripping with racism and misogyny. The rage at Reese and her audacity, in particular, was palpable, and it lingers even after the paper rightly updated the piece to remove the worst of the characterizations.

Villains? Dirty debutantes? Because a college senior just wants to play the game she loves and have a little fun while doing it?

“I just try to stand strong for my teammates because I don't want them to see me down and not be there for them,” Reese said. “I said the other day I haven’t known a day of peace since (the national championship). And it sucks. But I still wouldn't change. I wouldn't change anything.

“I would still sit here and say I'm unapologetically me,” she said. “Hopefully the little girls that look up to me, I give them some type of inspiration … (to) keep being who you are, keep waking up every day, keep being motivated, staying who you are, stand ten toes, don't back down, and just be confident.”

Reese had one more message, a reminder that she is, more than anything, human.

That's more than the trolls who've made her life hell this last year can say.

Follow USA TODAY Sports columnist Nancy Armour on social media @nrarmour.

Shakira's sons hated 'Barbie' because it was 'emasculating,' she says

Shakira  graces the  cover of Allure magazine  and holds nothing back when asked about her thoughts on “ Barbie ,” the Greta Gerwig-directed blockbuster that topped the 2023 box office with $1.4 billion worldwide and earned eight Oscar nominations, including best picture.

The music icon said she somewhat agreed with her two sons who strongly disliked “Barbie,” suggesting that it was a piece of pop culture that robbed “men of their possibility to be men.”

“My sons absolutely hated it,” Shakira said. “They felt that it was emasculating. And I agree, to a certain extent. I’m raising two boys. I want ’em to feel powerful too [while] respecting women. I like pop culture when it attempts to empower women without robbing men of their possibility to be men, to also protect and provide. I believe in giving women all the tools and the trust that we can do it all without losing our essence, without losing our femininity.”

“I think that men have a purpose in society and women have another purpose as well,” the singer added. “We complement each other, and that complement should not be lost.”

“Just because a woman can do it all doesn’t mean she should?” the interviewer asked.

“Why not share the load with people who deserve to carry it, who have a duty to carry it as well?” Shakira answered.

Shakira’s interview is not the first time a public figure has perceived “Barbie” as emasculating. The fantasy comedy  ruffled the feathers of some conservative figures  during its theatrical release, with podcaster Matt Walsh condemning it as “the most aggressively anti-man, feminist propaganda fest ever put to film.” Bill Maher later  slammed the film  as “man-hating.”

Gerwig, who also co-wrote the “Barbie” script with Noah Baumbach, weighed in on the backlash in an interview with  The New York Times  in which she said she never expected such a response.

“Certainly, there’s a lot of passion,” the filmmaker added. “My hope for the movie is that it’s an invitation for everybody to be part of the party and let go of the things that aren’t necessarily serving us as either women or men. I hope that in all of that passion, if they see it or engage with it, it can give them some of the relief that it gave other people.”

The backlash prompted other celebrities to speak out in support of “Barbie,” including Marc Maron.

“The fact that certain men took offense to the point where they, you know, tried to build a grift around it in terms of their narrative is right wing [explicative],” Maron  said on his podcast . “It’s so embarrassing for them. I mean, so embarrassing for them. Any dude that can’t take those hits in that movie, they’ve really got to look in their pants and decide what they’re made of. I mean, Jesus Christ, what a bunch of f---ing insecure babies.”

Shakira is making the press rounds in support of her new album, “Las Mujeres Ya No Lloran.”

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Paris Hilton responds to concerns she never shows her daughter on social media

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Paris Hilton has responded to concerned fans who quizzed her on why she never shows her baby daughter London on social media.

Hilton, 43, has always been active on social media, and that didn’t change after she and husband Carter Reum welcomed their son Phoenix.

After sharing a TikTok video of herself playing with her 1-year-old son, the DJ received waves of comments from fans asking why she never posts London.

“Where’s London?” asked one fan, while another wrote, “Phoenix is just precious. I can’t wait until you feel safe enough to show us his sister.”

“Love you,” the “Simple Life” alum responded. “Soon.”

Over the Easter weekend, Hilton shared a series of glamorous snaps in which she and little Phoenix celebrated the holiday together.

“Me and my little Easter bear,” she captioned the carousel of photos, in which she wore a bright pink Rebecca Vallance dress with pink bows down the front.

When one fan mentioned they couldn’t wait to see London on social media, Reum responded, “not quite ready to share her w the world but she’s adorable and looks just like her mamma.”

He also commented directly on the photo, “The cutest happiest boy w the best mamma ever.”

While it’s unclear why Hilton hasn’t shared snaps of her baby girl just yet, the mom of two was forced to defend her son from the “vicious” Instagram trolls who criticized the size of his head.

“I couldn’t believe that they could be mean and vicious about a little innocent baby,” she  told People .

“You can say what you want about me, but this is my little angel,” she continued. “And if anyone ever says anything to hurt him or his feelings, I will always be there to protect him.”

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The reality star said that she usually ignores the hateful messages she receives , but couldn’t just sit back and say nothing when her child was being attacked.

“Usually, I wouldn’t even dignify anything like that with a response, but I was just heartbroken that there are such cruel people in the world,” Hilton said.

The “This Is Paris” star furthered that she “feels sorry” for anyone who feels the need to bully a baby.

Reum and Hilton  tied the knot  in November 2021.

The pair welcomed Phoenix  via surrogate in January 2023.

In November, Hilton surprised her family by announcing that she and her husband secretly  welcomed their second child, a baby girl named London .

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